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#2121 Windsor

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 10:13 PM

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).
I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.
I'm still single.
I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.
And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

Looking forward to 2011 already.

Shadow List 2016.

Martin Crowe, Gordon Banks, Liz Smith, Glen Campbell, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Peter Sallis, Winnie Ewing, Howard Marks, Ronald King, Robert Mugabe, Helmut Kohl, Arthur Scargill, Valerie Harper, Lady Saltoun of Abernethy, Lord Snowdon, Paula Tilbrook, Rev Billy Graham, Clive James, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Desmond Tutu, Denis Norden, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Eric Lubbock, Sir Bruce Forsyth, Fidel Castro, Ray Edgar Killen, Hosni Mubarak, Dickie Bird, Muhammed Ali, Ian Brady, Bob Dole, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Gay Byrne, Mohammed Al-Fayed, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Dame Vera Lynn, Stuart Hall, Sir Roger Bannister, Prince Philip, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Stephen Hawking, Jim Bowen, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Murray Walker, Jimmy Carter.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 7/50, 2016: 5/50.


#2122 Dave to the Grave

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Posted 13 February 2010 - 01:08 PM

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).
I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.
I'm still single.
I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.
And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.

#2123 Windsor

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Posted 13 February 2010 - 01:20 PM

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).
I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.
I'm still single.
I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.
And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.


Always look on the bright side of life...and all that...

Shadow List 2016.

Martin Crowe, Gordon Banks, Liz Smith, Glen Campbell, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Peter Sallis, Winnie Ewing, Howard Marks, Ronald King, Robert Mugabe, Helmut Kohl, Arthur Scargill, Valerie Harper, Lady Saltoun of Abernethy, Lord Snowdon, Paula Tilbrook, Rev Billy Graham, Clive James, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Desmond Tutu, Denis Norden, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Eric Lubbock, Sir Bruce Forsyth, Fidel Castro, Ray Edgar Killen, Hosni Mubarak, Dickie Bird, Muhammed Ali, Ian Brady, Bob Dole, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Gay Byrne, Mohammed Al-Fayed, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Dame Vera Lynn, Stuart Hall, Sir Roger Bannister, Prince Philip, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Stephen Hawking, Jim Bowen, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Murray Walker, Jimmy Carter.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 7/50, 2016: 5/50.


#2124 Dave to the Grave

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Posted 16 February 2010 - 08:47 PM

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).
I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.
I'm still single.
I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.
And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.


Always look on the bright side of life...and all that...

:lol: I'd never presume to suggest you do such a thing.
In my experience people who always try to look on the bright side of life are awful company. I was just pointing out that looking back or forward can detract from the present. The French philosopher Jean de Shuttleworth uses food as an analogy to make this point far better than I can. (Or is that a metaphor?)

#2125 time

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Posted 17 February 2010 - 10:02 PM

Censorship.

A mother wants certain books removed from a school library because they're 'inappropriate' for middle-school aged pupils.

Thats right, don't let them grow up, keep them wrapped in cottton-wool forever and when they graduate they'll be absolutly useless. :)

I have CDO. It's like OCD except the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.


#2126 Lard Bazaar

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 07:10 PM

This load of shit

This is supposed to be poetry? My 16 year old daughter is apparently having to learn this for one of her exams. Is this the sort of utter bollocks that they teach kids today? It apparently sparked a conversation, IN HER ENGLISH LESSON, about necrophilia! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!

#2127 time

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 07:20 PM

This load of shit

This is supposed to be poetry? My 16 year old daughter is apparently having to learn this for one of her exams. Is this the sort of utter bollocks that they teach kids today? It apparently sparked a conversation, IN HER ENGLISH LESSON, about necrophilia! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!


What sort of bollocks would you prefer they teach?




(Just asking.)

I have CDO. It's like OCD except the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.


#2128 Toast

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 08:29 PM

Question 9 might be: What does this poem tell us about Carol Ann Duffy?


Now my rant for today. Bloody Waterstones. Someone gave me a 10 gift card at Christmas, and grateful though I was, I really struggled to find anything I wanted that couldn't be found much cheaper elsewhere. Anyway - placed an order, came to 15, filled in all the particulars as required including gift card serial number etc. The items eventually arrived (one was apparently out of stock, so they wouldn't send the other one on its own, bastards).

Aaaaand today my credit card bill has arrived, and you guessed it, they've charged me for the lot, not just the extra fiver. Tossers.

DDP teams:
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There is only one god, and his name is Death, and there is only one thing we say to Death:  "Not today."

 

There's no cure for being a cunt.  (Game Of Thrones)

 


#2129 Lard Bazaar

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 09:45 PM

This load of shit

This is supposed to be poetry? My 16 year old daughter is apparently having to learn this for one of her exams. Is this the sort of utter bollocks that they teach kids today? It apparently sparked a conversation, IN HER ENGLISH LESSON, about necrophilia! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!


What sort of bollocks would you prefer they teach?




(Just asking.)


For a start, something that's not going to start a debate amongst 16 year olds about shagging corpses. Secondly, something that is actually going to stand her in good stead for her adult life, something that might be of some use to her when she enters the workplace. Now, unless she's going to get a job doing those weird pervy movies, I can't see how necrophilia is going to fit into her CV. Thirdly, this is another good excuse for me to have a rant about the shower of shit that passes for the school that she attends. Fourthly, I'd like them to reinforce the morals and decency I have taught her - I do not expect my 16 year old (and a very immature 16 year old at that, she has some learning difficulties) to come home telling me how she 'learnt all about necrophilia today'. Fifthly, I'd like them to sort out their crappy, inaccurate computerised attendance record - she gets letters home accusing her of skiving when she's been sat taking exams in their hall, for fuck's sake. Sixthly, the headmaster is a twat. Seventhly, I realise I have gone slightly off on a tangent. Eightly, I think I should go to bed :lol:

#2130 Monoclinic

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 10:31 PM

For a start, something that's not going to start a debate amongst 16 year olds about shagging corpses. Secondly, something that is actually going to stand her in good stead for her adult life, something that might be of some use to her when she enters the workplace. Now, unless she's going to get a job doing those weird pervy movies, I can't see how necrophilia is going to fit into her CV. Thirdly, this is another good excuse for me to have a rant about the shower of shit that passes for the school that she attends. Fourthly, I'd like them to reinforce the morals and decency I have taught her - I do not expect my 16 year old (and a very immature 16 year old at that, she has some learning difficulties) to come home telling me how she 'learnt all about necrophilia today'. Fifthly, I'd like them to sort out their crappy, inaccurate computerised attendance record - she gets letters home accusing her of skiving when she's been sat taking exams in their hall, for fuck's sake. Sixthly, the headmaster is a twat. Seventhly, I realise I have gone slightly off on a tangent. Eightly, I think I should go to bed :lol:



You have my sincere support. How can one expect to take HaviSHAM seriously with such gratuitous use of comic sans. I hope you have managed to tell your daughter that anything written in that font should be disregarded as bollocks. :lol:

#2131 harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 10:39 PM

For a start, something that's not going to start a debate amongst 16 year olds about shagging corpses. Secondly, something that is actually going to stand her in good stead for her adult life, something that might be of some use to her when she enters the workplace. Now, unless she's going to get a job doing those weird pervy movies, I can't see how necrophilia is going to fit into her CV. Thirdly, this is another good excuse for me to have a rant about the shower of shit that passes for the school that she attends. Fourthly, I'd like them to reinforce the morals and decency I have taught her - I do not expect my 16 year old (and a very immature 16 year old at that, she has some learning difficulties) to come home telling me how she 'learnt all about necrophilia today'. Fifthly, I'd like them to sort out their crappy, inaccurate computerised attendance record - she gets letters home accusing her of skiving when she's been sat taking exams in their hall, for fuck's sake. Sixthly, the headmaster is a twat. Seventhly, I realise I have gone slightly off on a tangent. Eightly, I think I should go to bed :lol:



You have my sincere support. How can one expect to take HaviSHAM seriously with such gratuitous use of comic sans. I hope you have managed to tell your daughter that anything written in that font should be disregarded as bollocks. :lol:

I feel proud to have written 1,000+ posts' worth of bollocks and will do my level best to keep up the good work. I'm sad to say that some of my early ones may have been written in sensible font in threads that are now closed - if a kindly mod could re-open them I promise to go back and change them to CS.

why, you little...


#2132 Windsor

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Posted 24 February 2010 - 12:44 AM

There was an awkward two minutes today where I was travelling through a building with some girl going in the same direction as me.

We had to pass though about 6 doors in quick succession to get to where we were going. Obviously, being a gentleman, I held the door open for her as I was leading. She said thank you. Then came the second door. Again I held it open and she said thank you again with a nervous laugh. Then came the third door...etc.

Do you say thank you for the third, fourth and fifth door? Do you make conversation with the person knowing that there will be a third, fourth, fifth and sixth door? Do you make a small polite joke about the situation? It was very awkward, and I chose to say nothing.

As it happens I do have a strategy for that particularly annoying system of doors. If the door is held open for me (ie if I am following someone) I generally say thank you at the first door and the last door - but not the ones in between. Unfortunately that girl didn't know of my system and this caused the awkwardness.

Isn't life so very complicated...

Shadow List 2016.

Martin Crowe, Gordon Banks, Liz Smith, Glen Campbell, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Peter Sallis, Winnie Ewing, Howard Marks, Ronald King, Robert Mugabe, Helmut Kohl, Arthur Scargill, Valerie Harper, Lady Saltoun of Abernethy, Lord Snowdon, Paula Tilbrook, Rev Billy Graham, Clive James, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Desmond Tutu, Denis Norden, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Eric Lubbock, Sir Bruce Forsyth, Fidel Castro, Ray Edgar Killen, Hosni Mubarak, Dickie Bird, Muhammed Ali, Ian Brady, Bob Dole, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Gay Byrne, Mohammed Al-Fayed, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Dame Vera Lynn, Stuart Hall, Sir Roger Bannister, Prince Philip, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Stephen Hawking, Jim Bowen, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Murray Walker, Jimmy Carter.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 7/50, 2016: 5/50.


#2133 honez

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Posted 24 February 2010 - 01:32 AM

I believe the correct DL etiquette would be to hold the doors open for her as you proceed through them. Whether she thanks you or not is irrelevant. After having built up an expectation of trust over the first five, you should let the sixth slam in her face.
This would help build up her feelings of distrust for blokes stalking her in the future.
You will thereby help her help herself to avoid potentially life-threatening encounters henceforth.
Five zombies. Four bullets. Two zombies.

#2134 Magere Hein

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Posted 24 February 2010 - 05:20 AM

Today's addition to Room 101 must be Gerard Kemkers, coach of Dutch speed skater Sven Kramer, for stupidity beyond the call of duty.

Posted Image
An angry Kramer tosses his sunglasses away after Kemkers gives him the bad news

After 7000 of Kramer's Olympic 10,000m race Kemkers had a brain fart and made Kramer skate two consecutive inner lanes. The referees had no choice but to disqualify Kramer after a race that would have won him his second gold.

[Edit to add: I see Tomb raider already posted about this event -- MH]

regards,
Hein

DDP 2016 team The Grey Horde (3/20): Sister Wendy, Belmondo, Bettencourt, Crowe joker.gif, Feek, Ford, Glenn, Gorbachev, Rev Graham, Kissinger, Kohl, Leonov, Madoff, Mugabe, Mushatt Jones, O'Connor, Li , Tereshkova, van der Westhuizen, Yeager
DDP 2016 theme team Minions of Xuleneb (0/20): Albert II, Andriessen, Beatrix, Bernhard, Bloembergen, Brokken, Ceulemans, de Jong, Eyskens, Grönloh, Haitink, van 't Hek, Janssen, Jean I, Krebbers, Ricksen joker.gif, Rijvers, Santer, Thielemans, Veltman
DDP 2016 theme team Next slide, please (1/20): Attenborough, Blakemore, Bodmer, Close, Conway Morris, Dawkins, Greenfield, Longair, Meurig Thomas, Morris joker.gif, Graham-Smith, Hewish, Krebs, Phillips, Rothwell, Stewart, Sulston, Wolff, Wolpert, Zeeman


 
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.


#2135 Windsor

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Posted 08 March 2010 - 05:38 PM

Jamie Bulger's mother.

She needs ro realise that the world doesn't owe her a favour.

Shadow List 2016.

Martin Crowe, Gordon Banks, Liz Smith, Glen Campbell, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Peter Sallis, Winnie Ewing, Howard Marks, Ronald King, Robert Mugabe, Helmut Kohl, Arthur Scargill, Valerie Harper, Lady Saltoun of Abernethy, Lord Snowdon, Paula Tilbrook, Rev Billy Graham, Clive James, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Desmond Tutu, Denis Norden, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Eric Lubbock, Sir Bruce Forsyth, Fidel Castro, Ray Edgar Killen, Hosni Mubarak, Dickie Bird, Muhammed Ali, Ian Brady, Bob Dole, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Gay Byrne, Mohammed Al-Fayed, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Dame Vera Lynn, Stuart Hall, Sir Roger Bannister, Prince Philip, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Stephen Hawking, Jim Bowen, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Murray Walker, Jimmy Carter.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 7/50, 2016: 5/50.


#2136 Toast

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Posted 08 March 2010 - 07:25 PM

His name was James. Not Jamie.

I can remember his parents making it clear at the time that they did not call him 'Jamie'. To no avail. The gutter media had already decided otherwise. Presumptuous and lazy hacks have ensured that the poor kid even lost his name.

DDP teams:
I'm Sorry For Your Trouble

Toast's Moribund Musos
 

There is only one god, and his name is Death, and there is only one thing we say to Death:  "Not today."

 

There's no cure for being a cunt.  (Game Of Thrones)

 


#2137 Windsor

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Posted 08 March 2010 - 09:26 PM

His name was James. Not Jamie.

I can remember his parents making it clear at the time that they did not call him 'Jamie'. To no avail. The gutter media had already decided otherwise. Presumptuous and lazy hacks have ensured that the poor kid even lost his name.


What can I say. I didn't know him.

Shadow List 2016.

Martin Crowe, Gordon Banks, Liz Smith, Glen Campbell, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Peter Sallis, Winnie Ewing, Howard Marks, Ronald King, Robert Mugabe, Helmut Kohl, Arthur Scargill, Valerie Harper, Lady Saltoun of Abernethy, Lord Snowdon, Paula Tilbrook, Rev Billy Graham, Clive James, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Desmond Tutu, Denis Norden, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Eric Lubbock, Sir Bruce Forsyth, Fidel Castro, Ray Edgar Killen, Hosni Mubarak, Dickie Bird, Muhammed Ali, Ian Brady, Bob Dole, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Gay Byrne, Mohammed Al-Fayed, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Dame Vera Lynn, Stuart Hall, Sir Roger Bannister, Prince Philip, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Stephen Hawking, Jim Bowen, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Murray Walker, Jimmy Carter.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 7/50, 2016: 5/50.


#2138 Youth in Asia

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Posted 09 March 2010 - 01:50 AM

I was tricked into joining a gay orgy. They said it was a fishing trip.
I fell for it hook line and sphincter.

"All the time, all the wasted time
All the years, waiting for a sign"

Barry Manilow 1978

2015 - 59th
2014 - 267th
2013 - 235th
2012 - 167th
2011 - 44th
2010 - 355th
2009 - 27th
2008 - 70th
2007 - 176th

ALLAH AKBAR ... closes eyes ... (bang)


#2139 time

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Posted 09 March 2010 - 07:34 PM

Morrison's.

Specifically the self-service check-outs.

More specifically, the self-service check-outs at the branch of Morrison's I use.

If its not bad enough that the recorded voice repeats 'Please put the item in the bag' after EVERY bleedin' item, after every other item, the system hangs up and tells you to 'Please remove the last item' and 'Please wait, an assistant is coming'. :sicktherm:

It does this every time I use them, without fail. Today it excelled itself and told me to remove the last item even before I'd put it in the bag.

At this point you may be asking why I keep on using them (I ask myself every time); its quite simple - i) even with all the stopping and starting, its still generally quicker than waiting for a manned checkout! and ii) its now my aim in life to get through without having to 'Please wait'. Once I've acheived that, I'll start shopping at Tesco.

I have CDO. It's like OCD except the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.


#2140 Paul Bearer

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Posted 09 March 2010 - 08:12 PM

Morrison's.

Specifically the self-service check-outs.

More specifically, the self-service check-outs at the branch of Morrison's I use.

If its not bad enough that the recorded voice repeats 'Please put the item in the bag' after EVERY bleedin' item, after every other item, the system hangs up and tells you to 'Please remove the last item' and 'Please wait, an assistant is coming'. :sicktherm:

It does this every time I use them, without fail. Today it excelled itself and told me to remove the last item even before I'd put it in the bag.

At this point you may be asking why I keep on using them (I ask myself every time); its quite simple - i) even with all the stopping and starting, its still generally quicker than waiting for a manned checkout! and ii) its now my aim in life to get through without having to 'Please wait'. Once I've acheived that, I'll start shopping at Tesco.


The ones at Tesco aren't any different
This is true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.




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