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Room 101Deathlisters Hate Pets


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#2121 Lard Bazaar

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 02:32 PM

The indications are that I'm probably about to lose my job.
It was my 7th anniversary of working there last weekend.

Nothing has been said officially yet - so who knows.

Just thought I'd let you know because if I do lose my job, you may as well lock this thread. :rolleyes:



Sorry to hear that old boy, but with your dashing good looks and sparkling repartee, you will easily find another job to subsidise LFN's taxes.

My current role has also become much more bother than it's worth, so I've just applied for something else. Fingers crossed for both of us, eh?

#2122 Lord Fellatio Nelson

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 08:18 PM

The indications are that I'm probably about to lose my job.
It was my 7th anniversary of working there last weekend.

Nothing has been said officially yet - so who knows.

Just thought I'd let you know because if I do lose my job, you may as well lock this thread. :rolleyes:

Winny, it has been of great concern to me that you have been posting ever more infrequently on this thread.
Now buck your ideas up man!!
PS: I hope things work out for you.
Best of luck.

The first to ask "Is he dead yet?" about Castro...............ignore piss poor imitators. :D

 

 

2015 Hartlepool Deadly Pool Team: The Wankers Arms PH

Candidates:
Olivia De Havilland
Carol Channing
Ronnie Corbett
Kirk Douglas
Jimmy Hill
Doris Day
Abe Vigoda
Maureen O'Hara
Clifton James
Louis Jourdan

Subs: Sean Connery and Christopher Lee


#2123 Windsor

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Posted 12 February 2010 - 10:13 PM

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).
I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.
I'm still single.
I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.
And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

Looking forward to 2011 already.

Shadow List 2015.

Sam Simon, Robert Mugabe, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Rob Ford, Bob Dole, Muhammed Ali, Qaboos bin Sa'id, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ian Brady, Peter Sutcliffe, Clive James, Caroline Aherne, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Greville Janner, Rev Billy Graham, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Desmond Tutu, Jean Alexander, Leon Brittan, Prince Philip, Sir Roger Bannister, Sir Albert McQuarrie, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Sir Christopher Lee, Stephen Hawking, Harlan Ellison, Jim Bowen, Fidel Castro, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Denis Healey, Valerie Harper, Ken Dodd, Sir Nicholas Winton, Jalal Talabani, Vera Lynn, Murray Walker, Lord Snowdon, Flora Fraser, Tariq Aziz, Bill Cosby, Liz Smith, Liz Dawn, Daisy Berkowitz.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 1/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.


#2124 Dave to the Grave

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Posted 13 February 2010 - 01:08 PM

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).
I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.
I'm still single.
I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.
And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.

#2125 Windsor

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Posted 13 February 2010 - 01:20 PM

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).
I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.
I'm still single.
I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.
And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.


Always look on the bright side of life...and all that...

Shadow List 2015.

Sam Simon, Robert Mugabe, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Rob Ford, Bob Dole, Muhammed Ali, Qaboos bin Sa'id, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ian Brady, Peter Sutcliffe, Clive James, Caroline Aherne, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Greville Janner, Rev Billy Graham, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Desmond Tutu, Jean Alexander, Leon Brittan, Prince Philip, Sir Roger Bannister, Sir Albert McQuarrie, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Sir Christopher Lee, Stephen Hawking, Harlan Ellison, Jim Bowen, Fidel Castro, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Denis Healey, Valerie Harper, Ken Dodd, Sir Nicholas Winton, Jalal Talabani, Vera Lynn, Murray Walker, Lord Snowdon, Flora Fraser, Tariq Aziz, Bill Cosby, Liz Smith, Liz Dawn, Daisy Berkowitz.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 1/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.


#2126 Dave to the Grave

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Posted 16 February 2010 - 08:47 PM

Yes - my posting has taken a hit of late, not that I don't have much to moan about.

I was thrown out of the BB band (of which I was an officer) after 12 years of service because I fell out with the bandmaster's family (yes, I've been sacked from a voluntary post).
I spend most of my days doing tedious readings for university.
I'm still single.
I've started playing that bloody farmville and got addicted.
And I'm on the verge of being sacked from my work (I went in today but the managers were all away in Ellon deciding our fate).

Looking forward to 2011 already.

It's worse than you think Windsor. This could well be as good as it gets. In fact it sounds pretty good to me.


Always look on the bright side of life...and all that...

:lol: I'd never presume to suggest you do such a thing.
In my experience people who always try to look on the bright side of life are awful company. I was just pointing out that looking back or forward can detract from the present. The French philosopher Jean de Shuttleworth uses food as an analogy to make this point far better than I can. (Or is that a metaphor?)

#2127 time

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Posted 17 February 2010 - 10:02 PM

Censorship.

A mother wants certain books removed from a school library because they're 'inappropriate' for middle-school aged pupils.

Thats right, don't let them grow up, keep them wrapped in cottton-wool forever and when they graduate they'll be absolutly useless. :)

2015 DDP Team (Time's-up team) Richard Davies (Joker), Emile Ford, Daphne Fowler, John Glenn, Bernard Haitink, Gerald Harper, Buck Henry, Colin Jeavons, George Johnson, Patricia Knatchbull, Sheila Mercier, Les Munro, Cormac Murphy O’Connor, Pete Murray, I.M. Pei, Dudley Simpson, Nobby Stiles, Joseph Wapner, Peter Wyngarde, Jimmy Young

 

2015 DDP Theme Team (...and its goodnight from him etc): Ronald Atkins, Ron Brown, Ronnie Carroll, Ronald Chesney, Ronnie Corbett, Ronnie Walter Cunningham, Ronnie Dawson, Ron Ely, Ronald Baron Fearn, Ron Flowers, Ronnie Gilbert, Ronald Harwood, Ronald Hines, Ron Isley, Ronnie Moore, Ronnie Moran, Ronnie Ronalde, Ron Smith, Ronald Stevenson, Ron Suart (Joker)

 

Deathrace 2015 Team: Eric 'Winkle' Brown, Richard Davies, Emile Ford, Daphne Fowler, John Glenn, Bernard Haitink, Gerald Harper, Colin Jeavons, George Johnson, Patricia Knatchbull, Sheila Mercier (Joker), Les Munro, Cormac Murphy O’Connor, Pete Murray, I.M. Pei, Dudley Simpson, Nobby Stiles, Joseph Wapner, Peter Wyngarde, Jimmy Young

2015 Hartlepool Deadlypool Team: Ethel LangEric 'Winkle' Brown, Rev Billy Graham, Doris Day, Richard Davies, Vera Lynn, Kirk Douglas, George 'Johnny' Johnson, Javier Perez De Cuellar, Al Molinaro, Subs: BB King. Mary Quant

 

I have CDO. It's like OCD except the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.


#2128 Lard Bazaar

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 07:10 PM

This load of shit

This is supposed to be poetry? My 16 year old daughter is apparently having to learn this for one of her exams. Is this the sort of utter bollocks that they teach kids today? It apparently sparked a conversation, IN HER ENGLISH LESSON, about necrophilia! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!

#2129 time

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 07:20 PM

This load of shit

This is supposed to be poetry? My 16 year old daughter is apparently having to learn this for one of her exams. Is this the sort of utter bollocks that they teach kids today? It apparently sparked a conversation, IN HER ENGLISH LESSON, about necrophilia! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!


What sort of bollocks would you prefer they teach?




(Just asking.)

2015 DDP Team (Time's-up team) Richard Davies (Joker), Emile Ford, Daphne Fowler, John Glenn, Bernard Haitink, Gerald Harper, Buck Henry, Colin Jeavons, George Johnson, Patricia Knatchbull, Sheila Mercier, Les Munro, Cormac Murphy O’Connor, Pete Murray, I.M. Pei, Dudley Simpson, Nobby Stiles, Joseph Wapner, Peter Wyngarde, Jimmy Young

 

2015 DDP Theme Team (...and its goodnight from him etc): Ronald Atkins, Ron Brown, Ronnie Carroll, Ronald Chesney, Ronnie Corbett, Ronnie Walter Cunningham, Ronnie Dawson, Ron Ely, Ronald Baron Fearn, Ron Flowers, Ronnie Gilbert, Ronald Harwood, Ronald Hines, Ron Isley, Ronnie Moore, Ronnie Moran, Ronnie Ronalde, Ron Smith, Ronald Stevenson, Ron Suart (Joker)

 

Deathrace 2015 Team: Eric 'Winkle' Brown, Richard Davies, Emile Ford, Daphne Fowler, John Glenn, Bernard Haitink, Gerald Harper, Colin Jeavons, George Johnson, Patricia Knatchbull, Sheila Mercier (Joker), Les Munro, Cormac Murphy O’Connor, Pete Murray, I.M. Pei, Dudley Simpson, Nobby Stiles, Joseph Wapner, Peter Wyngarde, Jimmy Young

2015 Hartlepool Deadlypool Team: Ethel LangEric 'Winkle' Brown, Rev Billy Graham, Doris Day, Richard Davies, Vera Lynn, Kirk Douglas, George 'Johnny' Johnson, Javier Perez De Cuellar, Al Molinaro, Subs: BB King. Mary Quant

 

I have CDO. It's like OCD except the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be.


#2130 Toast

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 08:29 PM

Question 9 might be: What does this poem tell us about Carol Ann Duffy?


Now my rant for today. Bloody Waterstones. Someone gave me a 10 gift card at Christmas, and grateful though I was, I really struggled to find anything I wanted that couldn't be found much cheaper elsewhere. Anyway - placed an order, came to 15, filled in all the particulars as required including gift card serial number etc. The items eventually arrived (one was apparently out of stock, so they wouldn't send the other one on its own, bastards).

Aaaaand today my credit card bill has arrived, and you guessed it, they've charged me for the lot, not just the extra fiver. Tossers.

DDP teams:
I'm Sorry For Your Trouble
Nearer My God To Thee
Long Shot Kick De Bucket

 

"What do we say to the God of Death?"

"Not today."

 

"There's no cure for being a cunt." 

(Game Of Thrones)


#2131 Lard Bazaar

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 09:45 PM

This load of shit

This is supposed to be poetry? My 16 year old daughter is apparently having to learn this for one of her exams. Is this the sort of utter bollocks that they teach kids today? It apparently sparked a conversation, IN HER ENGLISH LESSON, about necrophilia! FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!


What sort of bollocks would you prefer they teach?




(Just asking.)


For a start, something that's not going to start a debate amongst 16 year olds about shagging corpses. Secondly, something that is actually going to stand her in good stead for her adult life, something that might be of some use to her when she enters the workplace. Now, unless she's going to get a job doing those weird pervy movies, I can't see how necrophilia is going to fit into her CV. Thirdly, this is another good excuse for me to have a rant about the shower of shit that passes for the school that she attends. Fourthly, I'd like them to reinforce the morals and decency I have taught her - I do not expect my 16 year old (and a very immature 16 year old at that, she has some learning difficulties) to come home telling me how she 'learnt all about necrophilia today'. Fifthly, I'd like them to sort out their crappy, inaccurate computerised attendance record - she gets letters home accusing her of skiving when she's been sat taking exams in their hall, for fuck's sake. Sixthly, the headmaster is a twat. Seventhly, I realise I have gone slightly off on a tangent. Eightly, I think I should go to bed :lol:

#2132 Monoclinic

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 10:31 PM

For a start, something that's not going to start a debate amongst 16 year olds about shagging corpses. Secondly, something that is actually going to stand her in good stead for her adult life, something that might be of some use to her when she enters the workplace. Now, unless she's going to get a job doing those weird pervy movies, I can't see how necrophilia is going to fit into her CV. Thirdly, this is another good excuse for me to have a rant about the shower of shit that passes for the school that she attends. Fourthly, I'd like them to reinforce the morals and decency I have taught her - I do not expect my 16 year old (and a very immature 16 year old at that, she has some learning difficulties) to come home telling me how she 'learnt all about necrophilia today'. Fifthly, I'd like them to sort out their crappy, inaccurate computerised attendance record - she gets letters home accusing her of skiving when she's been sat taking exams in their hall, for fuck's sake. Sixthly, the headmaster is a twat. Seventhly, I realise I have gone slightly off on a tangent. Eightly, I think I should go to bed :lol:



You have my sincere support. How can one expect to take HaviSHAM seriously with such gratuitous use of comic sans. I hope you have managed to tell your daughter that anything written in that font should be disregarded as bollocks. :lol:

#2133 harrymcnallysblueandwhitearmy

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Posted 23 February 2010 - 10:39 PM

For a start, something that's not going to start a debate amongst 16 year olds about shagging corpses. Secondly, something that is actually going to stand her in good stead for her adult life, something that might be of some use to her when she enters the workplace. Now, unless she's going to get a job doing those weird pervy movies, I can't see how necrophilia is going to fit into her CV. Thirdly, this is another good excuse for me to have a rant about the shower of shit that passes for the school that she attends. Fourthly, I'd like them to reinforce the morals and decency I have taught her - I do not expect my 16 year old (and a very immature 16 year old at that, she has some learning difficulties) to come home telling me how she 'learnt all about necrophilia today'. Fifthly, I'd like them to sort out their crappy, inaccurate computerised attendance record - she gets letters home accusing her of skiving when she's been sat taking exams in their hall, for fuck's sake. Sixthly, the headmaster is a twat. Seventhly, I realise I have gone slightly off on a tangent. Eightly, I think I should go to bed :lol:



You have my sincere support. How can one expect to take HaviSHAM seriously with such gratuitous use of comic sans. I hope you have managed to tell your daughter that anything written in that font should be disregarded as bollocks. :lol:

I feel proud to have written 1,000+ posts' worth of bollocks and will do my level best to keep up the good work. I'm sad to say that some of my early ones may have been written in sensible font in threads that are now closed - if a kindly mod could re-open them I promise to go back and change them to CS.

why, you little...


#2134 Windsor

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Posted 24 February 2010 - 12:44 AM

There was an awkward two minutes today where I was travelling through a building with some girl going in the same direction as me.

We had to pass though about 6 doors in quick succession to get to where we were going. Obviously, being a gentleman, I held the door open for her as I was leading. She said thank you. Then came the second door. Again I held it open and she said thank you again with a nervous laugh. Then came the third door...etc.

Do you say thank you for the third, fourth and fifth door? Do you make conversation with the person knowing that there will be a third, fourth, fifth and sixth door? Do you make a small polite joke about the situation? It was very awkward, and I chose to say nothing.

As it happens I do have a strategy for that particularly annoying system of doors. If the door is held open for me (ie if I am following someone) I generally say thank you at the first door and the last door - but not the ones in between. Unfortunately that girl didn't know of my system and this caused the awkwardness.

Isn't life so very complicated...

Shadow List 2015.

Sam Simon, Robert Mugabe, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Rob Ford, Bob Dole, Muhammed Ali, Qaboos bin Sa'id, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ian Brady, Peter Sutcliffe, Clive James, Caroline Aherne, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Greville Janner, Rev Billy Graham, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Desmond Tutu, Jean Alexander, Leon Brittan, Prince Philip, Sir Roger Bannister, Sir Albert McQuarrie, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Sir Christopher Lee, Stephen Hawking, Harlan Ellison, Jim Bowen, Fidel Castro, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Denis Healey, Valerie Harper, Ken Dodd, Sir Nicholas Winton, Jalal Talabani, Vera Lynn, Murray Walker, Lord Snowdon, Flora Fraser, Tariq Aziz, Bill Cosby, Liz Smith, Liz Dawn, Daisy Berkowitz.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 1/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.


#2135 honez

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Posted 24 February 2010 - 01:32 AM

I believe the correct DL etiquette would be to hold the doors open for her as you proceed through them. Whether she thanks you or not is irrelevant. After having built up an expectation of trust over the first five, you should let the sixth slam in her face.
This would help build up her feelings of distrust for blokes stalking her in the future.
You will thereby help her help herself to avoid potentially life-threatening encounters henceforth.
Five zombies. Four bullets. Two zombies.

#2136 Magere Hein

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Posted 24 February 2010 - 05:20 AM

Today's addition to Room 101 must be Gerard Kemkers, coach of Dutch speed skater Sven Kramer, for stupidity beyond the call of duty.

Posted Image
An angry Kramer tosses his sunglasses away after Kemkers gives him the bad news

After 7000 of Kramer's Olympic 10,000m race Kemkers had a brain fart and made Kramer skate two consecutive inner lanes. The referees had no choice but to disqualify Kramer after a race that would have won him his second gold.

[Edit to add: I see Tomb raider already posted about this event -- MH]

regards,
Hein
DDP 2015 team The Grey Horde: 3/20 (10 points)
DDP 2015 theme team Minions of Xuleneb : 1/20 (0 points)

_______________________________________________
1 Corinthians 15:55


#2137 Windsor

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Posted 08 March 2010 - 05:38 PM

Jamie Bulger's mother.

She needs ro realise that the world doesn't owe her a favour.

Shadow List 2015.

Sam Simon, Robert Mugabe, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Rob Ford, Bob Dole, Muhammed Ali, Qaboos bin Sa'id, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ian Brady, Peter Sutcliffe, Clive James, Caroline Aherne, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Greville Janner, Rev Billy Graham, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Desmond Tutu, Jean Alexander, Leon Brittan, Prince Philip, Sir Roger Bannister, Sir Albert McQuarrie, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Sir Christopher Lee, Stephen Hawking, Harlan Ellison, Jim Bowen, Fidel Castro, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Denis Healey, Valerie Harper, Ken Dodd, Sir Nicholas Winton, Jalal Talabani, Vera Lynn, Murray Walker, Lord Snowdon, Flora Fraser, Tariq Aziz, Bill Cosby, Liz Smith, Liz Dawn, Daisy Berkowitz.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 1/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.


#2138 Toast

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Posted 08 March 2010 - 07:25 PM

His name was James. Not Jamie.

I can remember his parents making it clear at the time that they did not call him 'Jamie'. To no avail. The gutter media had already decided otherwise. Presumptuous and lazy hacks have ensured that the poor kid even lost his name.

DDP teams:
I'm Sorry For Your Trouble
Nearer My God To Thee
Long Shot Kick De Bucket

 

"What do we say to the God of Death?"

"Not today."

 

"There's no cure for being a cunt." 

(Game Of Thrones)


#2139 Windsor

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Posted 08 March 2010 - 09:26 PM

His name was James. Not Jamie.

I can remember his parents making it clear at the time that they did not call him 'Jamie'. To no avail. The gutter media had already decided otherwise. Presumptuous and lazy hacks have ensured that the poor kid even lost his name.


What can I say. I didn't know him.

Shadow List 2015.

Sam Simon, Robert Mugabe, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Rob Ford, Bob Dole, Muhammed Ali, Qaboos bin Sa'id, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ian Brady, Peter Sutcliffe, Clive James, Caroline Aherne, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Greville Janner, Rev Billy Graham, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Desmond Tutu, Jean Alexander, Leon Brittan, Prince Philip, Sir Roger Bannister, Sir Albert McQuarrie, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Sir Christopher Lee, Stephen Hawking, Harlan Ellison, Jim Bowen, Fidel Castro, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Denis Healey, Valerie Harper, Ken Dodd, Sir Nicholas Winton, Jalal Talabani, Vera Lynn, Murray Walker, Lord Snowdon, Flora Fraser, Tariq Aziz, Bill Cosby, Liz Smith, Liz Dawn, Daisy Berkowitz.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 1/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.


#2140 Youth in Asia

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Posted 09 March 2010 - 01:50 AM

I was tricked into joining a gay orgy. They said it was a fishing trip.
I fell for it hook line and sphincter.
"All the time, all the wasted time
All the years, waiting for a sign"

Barry Manilow 1978


2014 - 267th
2013 - 235th
2012 - 167th
2011 - 44th
2010 - 355th
2009 - 27th
2008 - 70th
2007 - 176th

ALLAH AKBAR ... closes eyes ... (bang)



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