1473 replies to this topic

[maryportfuncity]

A couple of muslim women from Leeds are looking through an old photograph album.

'Oh look,' says one, 'there's my son on his first day at school, and here he is in the school play, and here with his football team...'

'Ah the children,' says her friend, 'They blow up so fast these days.'


C'mon guys, share a few rib ticklers with us.

[Windsor]

Perhaps a bit out dated:

Q) Whats brown and half eaten?

A) The Pope's (John Paul II) Easter egg.

[maryportfuncity]

More up to date:

What's brown and half eaten?

The last pope.

[Windsor]

This may be percieved as sick but what the hell...

Q) Whats blue and orange and is found at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A) A baby with burst arm bands.

[Banshees Scream]

windsor, on Jul 23 2005, 11:17 PM, said:

This may be percieved as sick but what the hell...

Q) Whats blue and orange and is found at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A) A baby with burst arm bands.

Very cruel strange and menacing..

I begin to wonder if this joke is a past exsperience or one
sick individual trying to get laughs.

I admit Windsor you could win an award on the most
sickest joke ever but as far as comedy goes i don't
think you got the so called standards.

[Boudicca]

A work colleague asked me to run a marathon "Piss off," I replied.

He persisted, though "Aww, come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

"F**k it!" I thought. "I could win this."

[Windsor]

lived so lets die, on Jul 24 2005, 11:44 AM, said:

Ladies & Gentlemen today i've been playing with my balls, well not my balls but the boys next door. Cos i hav'nt got any balls the dog chewed mine up years ago.

I agree that my comedy standard is quite low - but it could be worse as this so called joke shows.

[Windsor]

I must admit I am a Jimmy Carr fan:

Every day little Fatma has to walk ten miles a day just to get clean drinking water.

I can't help thinking...she should move.

[Paul Bearer]

I have already posted this one somewhere else, but it cracks me up every time I think about it.

One day
the infant school teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs
to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read . . .
" And so the little pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I
think he said...'Holy sh*t! A talking pig!'"

[Windsor]

There were two guys sitting on a bench who both suffered from parkinsons disease. And one said to the other 'Hey look, theres an ice cream seller over there. Would you like an ice cream?'
The second guy said yes, he wanted an ice cream with a flake, sprinkles and strawberry juice. So the first man goes away for it.

He comes back with an ice cream with a flake in it. The second man asks, 'Hey, weres my spinkles and juice?'. The first man says oh right, so you wanted an icecream with a flake, sprinkles and strawberry juice. 'Yes' replies the second man. So he goes off to get the additions he needs.
He comes back 5 minutes later. This time he has the ice cream with the flake and sprinkles but no juice. 'Christ Sake', shouts the second man - 'wheres the juice I wanted'. So the first man goes away again to get the juice.
After 5 minutes he finally returns. The ice cream was perfect. 'Right' said the first man - 'One Icecream with a flake, spinkles and strawberry juice'.

The Second man looks back at him puzzled and says - 'Wheres my chips?'

(I think this joke may be better face to face)

[Typhoid Harry]

windsor, on Jul 24 2005, 10:32 AM, said:

(I think this joke may be better face to face)

Ya think?


A sadist and a masochist are walking down the street, the masochist turns to the sadist and says "Hit me", the sadist says "No".

[honez]

Two old ladies are sitting outside their old peoples' home having a smoke and a drink. It starts to rain, so the first old lady pulls out a condom packet, rips it open, snips the end off the condom and puts it on her cigarette.

"What's that?" Mable asks.

"It's a condom," Ethel says. "It keeps my cigarettes dry when it rains."

"That's a good idea. But where do you get them?"

"Oh, you can pick them up at any chemist shop."

"I'll have to get some of those," Mable says.

The next day, Mable hobbles off to the local chemist's. Inside, she goes straight up to the young assistant. "Do you sell condoms?" she asks.

The assistant, obviously embarrased by the little old lady asking for condoms, coughs and splutters a response. "Um, yes we do." He manages to regain his composure and continues. "What sort were you after exactly?"

"Oh, I don't care, just as long as they fit a camel."

[Tuber Mirum]

God goes up to the Arabs and says, "Would you guys like a commandment?" and the head Arab replies, "What is it?" and God says "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and the head Arab says, "No thanks, we do that all the time, we enjoy it."

So god goes to the Egyptians and says, "Would you like a commandment?" and the Pharaoah says, "What is it?" and God says, "Thou shallt not covet thy neighbours wife nor his ass nor whatever," and the Pharaoah says, " No thanks, coveting's what we do best, we thrive on it."

So finally God goes to the Jews and he says to Moses, "Would you like a commandment?" and Moses says, "How much do they cost?" and God says, "They're free." So Moses says....

"I'll take ten."

[Banshees Scream]

Here's a joke.

A chinese man enters the bar and approaches the counter
to ask for a drink. The bartender happens to be a black guy.
The chinese man saids 'nigga give me a jigga" The black man
becomes slightly upset and saids "How would you like it if you
were the bartender and a costumer said that to you" So the
chinese man saids let's switch places and you will see how i act.

The black man then walks into the bar and goes up to the counter
and saids "Chink give me a drink" the chinese man responds and
saids "Sorry we don't serve niggers here!"


I admit it is a bit of a racist joke but i did not make it up it's just
something i heard. 'Much more comedy in the joke when it is said in person"

[Typhoid Harry]

Notapotato, on Jul 24 2005, 02:10 PM, said:

God goes up to the Arabs and says, "Would you guys like a commandment?" and the head Arab replies, "What is it?" and God says "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and the head Arab says, "No thanks, we do that all the time, we enjoy it."

So god goes to the Egyptians and says, "Would you like a commandment?" and the Pharaoah says, "What is it?" and God says, "Thou shallt not covet thy neighbours wife nor his ass nor whatever," and the Pharaoah says, " No thanks, coveting's what we do best, we thrive on it."

So finally God goes to the Jews and he says to Moses, "Would you like a commandment?" and Moses says, "How much do they cost?" and God says, "They're free." So Moses says....

"I'll take ten."

ROFL

[Boudicca]

Banshees Scream, on Jul 24 2005, 10:42 PM, said:

"How would you like it if you
were the bartender and a costumer said that to you"

Trust me, Banshees, bless your little heart, it's much funnier the way you tell it

[Teddy]

Okay, I know it's an old one, but given the number of Scots who seem to lurk on this forum, this is for you....

In the beginning, God created the earth. On the second day, while he was making his countries, God discovered a small island off a continent he’d decided to christen ‘Europe’.
“I know,” thought God, “I shall make this land an area of outstanding natural beauty. I shall bless it with lochs and glens, crystal-clear waters and rivers teeming with wild salmon. I will name this country ‘Scotland’ and shall bestow upon the nation my favourite drink ‘whisky’, the water of life. I shall bequeath major reserves of gas and oil to bring its people great wealth and Aberdeen-Angus cattle so that they need never go hungry.”
When he’d finished his work, one of the angels turned to God and said,
“Hang on a minute. Why should Scotland be blessed with all these natural treasures? Aren’t we making life too easy for its people; shouldn’t they have something to test them?”
And God replied, “You haven’t seen who their neighbours are yet.”

[Captain Oates]

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, along a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.

To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike of the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman who exclaims, "May the Scots and the English live together forever in peace and harmony!"

The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, who replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."