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A Joke Tasteless Merriment. Running River of, DLers, for the amusement of, 1.



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#1301 maryportfuncity

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Posted 14 January 2012 - 06:38 PM

A bunch of bus drivers had a wanking contest.

Nothing happened for about 15 minutes...

...then 3 of them came together.
Posted Image


Maryport is a disappointment for which there is no cure, but the annual Deathrace thread hereabouts provides welcome distraction.

#1302 Windsor

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 01:51 PM

Not the best 'Downfall' video out there, but I like it:


Shadow List 2014.

Wilko Johnson, Muhammed Ali, Helen Fawkes, David Norris, Flora Fraser, Stephen Lewis, Jim Bowen, John Bardon, Albert Reynolds, Rev Billy Graham, Daisy Berkowitz, Wojciech Jaeuzelski, Clive James, Robert Mugabe, George H. W. Bush, Leslie Phillips, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Stephen Hawking, Nancy Reagan, Jeremy Thorpe, Cardinal Keith O'Brien, Tariq Aziz, Murray Walker, Stuart Hall, Luise Rainer, Liz Dawn, Bob Dole, Edgar Ray Killen, Prince Philip, Paul O'Grady, Arthur Scargill, Jalal Talabani, Iain Paisley, Mikhail Gorbachez, Sean Connery, Jimmy Greaves, Sir Nicholas Winton, Sam Simon, Derek Fowlds, Pope Benedict XVI, Richard Attenborough, Harlan Ellison, Fidel Castro, Valerie Harper, Saif al-Isam Megrahi, Queen Fabiola, Ariel Sharon, Liz Smith, Bruce Forsyth, Fred Phelps.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 7/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.

#1303 Windsor

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Posted 18 January 2012 - 01:28 PM

April 14th 1912:
MAN: "Women and children first please."

25 years ago:
WOMAN: "Women want sex equality"
...
15 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women to fight sexism"

5 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women winning on sex equality"

3 days ago:
WOMAN: "It was unbelievable, men were trying to get into the lifeboats before women" x
Shadow List 2014.

Wilko Johnson, Muhammed Ali, Helen Fawkes, David Norris, Flora Fraser, Stephen Lewis, Jim Bowen, John Bardon, Albert Reynolds, Rev Billy Graham, Daisy Berkowitz, Wojciech Jaeuzelski, Clive James, Robert Mugabe, George H. W. Bush, Leslie Phillips, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Stephen Hawking, Nancy Reagan, Jeremy Thorpe, Cardinal Keith O'Brien, Tariq Aziz, Murray Walker, Stuart Hall, Luise Rainer, Liz Dawn, Bob Dole, Edgar Ray Killen, Prince Philip, Paul O'Grady, Arthur Scargill, Jalal Talabani, Iain Paisley, Mikhail Gorbachez, Sean Connery, Jimmy Greaves, Sir Nicholas Winton, Sam Simon, Derek Fowlds, Pope Benedict XVI, Richard Attenborough, Harlan Ellison, Fidel Castro, Valerie Harper, Saif al-Isam Megrahi, Queen Fabiola, Ariel Sharon, Liz Smith, Bruce Forsyth, Fred Phelps.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 7/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.

#1304 thefunkyfaz

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 10:27 PM

I bought a ticket in a lottery to win a Mediterranean cruise. Last week was a rollover...
The Funky Faz's Morgue of Merriment (DDP2014 A list): Sam Simon Posted Image, Ariel Sharon, Ayatollah Ali Khameini, Bill Tidy, Rev Billy Graham, Casey Kasem, Denis Norden, Dora Bryan, Eli Woods, Elizabeth Dawn, Francis Matthews, General Wojciech Jaruzelski, Ian "Not H" Watkins, Jimmy Hill, John Horsley, Kirk Douglas, Lord Dickie Luvvie Luvvie Attenborough, Peter Sallis, Wilko Johnson, Zsa Zsa Gabor
The Funky Faz's Crypt of Chortles (DDP2014 B list): Acker Bilk Posted Image, Bill Maynard, Brian Cant, Burt Kwouk, Denis Healey, Sir Donald Sinden, George H W Bush, Henry Kissinger, Joni Mitchell, Kenneth Cope, Liz Smith, Nancy Reagan, Patrick Macnee, Richard Baker, Shaw Taylor, Shimon Peres, Stanley Baxter, Stuart Hall, Tony Britton, Warren Mitchell.

The Funky Faz's Wormfood Bingo 2014: Billy Graham,
Casey Kasem, Denis Norden, Dora Bryan, Eli Woods, Elizabeth Dawn, Ian "Not H" Watkins, Jimmy Hill, John Horsley, Lord Dickie Luvvie Luvvie Attenborough, Patrick Macnee, Peter Sallis

"You've all done very well!"

#1305 Windsor

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 01:44 PM

Welcome to Fraserburgh:

Shadow List 2014.

Wilko Johnson, Muhammed Ali, Helen Fawkes, David Norris, Flora Fraser, Stephen Lewis, Jim Bowen, John Bardon, Albert Reynolds, Rev Billy Graham, Daisy Berkowitz, Wojciech Jaeuzelski, Clive James, Robert Mugabe, George H. W. Bush, Leslie Phillips, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Stephen Hawking, Nancy Reagan, Jeremy Thorpe, Cardinal Keith O'Brien, Tariq Aziz, Murray Walker, Stuart Hall, Luise Rainer, Liz Dawn, Bob Dole, Edgar Ray Killen, Prince Philip, Paul O'Grady, Arthur Scargill, Jalal Talabani, Iain Paisley, Mikhail Gorbachez, Sean Connery, Jimmy Greaves, Sir Nicholas Winton, Sam Simon, Derek Fowlds, Pope Benedict XVI, Richard Attenborough, Harlan Ellison, Fidel Castro, Valerie Harper, Saif al-Isam Megrahi, Queen Fabiola, Ariel Sharon, Liz Smith, Bruce Forsyth, Fred Phelps.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 7/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.

#1306 Magere Hein

    Film land, Homer!

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Posted 01 February 2012 - 12:28 AM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies", he responded. "Oh. Killing any?", she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell the sex of a fly?" He responded: "Well, three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

regards,
Hein
DDP 2014 team The Grey Horde:
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Lys Assia, Sister Wendy Beckett, Ryan Buell Posted Image,Jacques Chirac, Felix Dennis, Aretha Franklin, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Marilyn Horne, Clive James, General Wojciech Jaruzelski, Wilko Johnson, Helmut Kohl, Joseph Kony, Misao Okawa, Bernie Madoff, Robert Mugabe, Julie Newmar, Michael Schumacher

DDP 2014 theme team Minions of Xuleneb:
King Albert II, Princess Beatrix, Prince Bernhard jr, Elco Brinkman, Corry Brokken, Dick Bruna, Raymond Ceulemans, Godfried Danneels, Piet de Jong, Mark Eyskens, Queen Fabiola Of Belgium Posted Image, Jan Janssen, Grand Duke Jean I of Luxembourg, Wubbo Ockels, Fernando Ricksen, Kees Rijvers, Wim Ruska, Toots Thielemans, Martinus J. G. Veltman, Geert Wilders

#1307 maryportfuncity

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Posted 01 February 2012 - 12:21 PM

An old bloke walks into a sperm bank and demands to make a donation; looking at his ID it's obvious he's 85 years old. The receptionist asks if he can manage to get anything out. "Don't you worry," he says, "My wife's 40 years younger and I satisfy her every night, she's away at the moment so I didn't want to waste a drop, I'll donate."

He's duly despatched with his porno and his jar to a cubicle. Ten minutes later the grunting noises from his cubicle are worrying everyone. The receptionist goes over to knock on the door. "Are you alright in there?" she asks.

"I will be," he says, "when I can get the lid off this f***in' jar!"
Posted Image


Maryport is a disappointment for which there is no cure, but the annual Deathrace thread hereabouts provides welcome distraction.

#1308 sympathyforthedevil

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Posted 01 February 2012 - 09:08 PM

View Postmaryportfuncity, on 01 February 2012 - 12:21 PM, said:

An old bloke walks into a sperm bank and demands to make a donation; looking at his ID it's obvious he's 85 years old. The receptionist asks if he can manage to get anything out. "Don't you worry," he says, "My wife's 40 years younger and I satisfy her every night, she's away at the moment so I didn't want to waste a drop, I'll donate."

He's duly despatched with his porno and his jar to a cubicle. Ten minutes later the grunting noises from his cubicle are worrying everyone. The receptionist goes over to knock on the door. "Are you alright in there?" she asks.

"I will be," he says, "when I can get the lid off this f***in' jar!"

Heard it before.

#1309 themaninblack

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 05:59 PM

What's six inches long and won't get sucked on St. Valentines day?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe...
"I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille."

Gene Wilder as "the Waco Kid", Blazing Saddles (1974)

#1310 Falkekopf

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 11:25 PM

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
DDP 2012 Team - Dance On Your Grave (=111th 5/20)

DDP 2013 Team - Dance On Your Grave (=136th 4/20)

DDP 2014 Team - Dance On Your Grave

Valerie Harper - Wilko Johnson - Clive James - Carla Laemmle - Olivia De Havilland - Sam Simon - Lord Peter Carrington - Liz Dawn - Rev Billy Graham - George Blake - Peter Sallis - Nik Turner - Prince Phillip - Baron Bramall - Geoffrey Bayldon - Damaris Hayman - Dora Bryan - Cliff Michelmore - Gough Whitlam - Christopher Lee

#1311 Josco

    I Need To Get A Life!

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Posted 22 February 2012 - 03:47 PM

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you Sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes Sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

“Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
"If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear...." Jacqui Smith - Ex-Home Secretary (and many other misguided fools)
"I fear having to prove I have nothing to hide." Josco

"Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves".
William Pitt, 1783


Shaw's Principle: "Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it."

#1312 Guest_Maryportfuncity_*

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Posted 26 March 2012 - 12:33 PM

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the car window he drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"
...
The man now in tears, cried, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

#1313 maryportfuncity

    Dedicated Cumbrian Corpse Hound, or summat

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 11:24 AM

Apologies to anyone who finds this offensive (the basic joke is that there was an alternative blacks-only space program in the sixites) but this cracked me up!



Posted Image


Maryport is a disappointment for which there is no cure, but the annual Deathrace thread hereabouts provides welcome distraction.

#1314 Damon Killian

    You b*****d! Drop dead!

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 11:38 AM

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
We Are The 45%

#1315 maryportfuncity

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 11:55 PM

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together," said Fabrice.
Posted Image


Maryport is a disappointment for which there is no cure, but the annual Deathrace thread hereabouts provides welcome distraction.

#1316 Paul Bearer

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Posted 30 March 2012 - 06:24 PM

My girlfriend left me because she was sick of me making vagina jokes. I think she was ovary acting.
This is true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

#1317 the_engineer

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 01:04 PM

A guy i work with won a competition the prize was a trip to africa . He's out there now trying to win a trip back !!
I don't believe in coincidences

Basketball was invented in 1987 by konami.

A Man who never eats pork buns is never a whole man .

genesis 22 16 - 18

DDP 2014 - Sovereign-Reaper

wilko johnsonPosted Image , joost van der westhuizen ,George h.w bush , sam simon , valerie harper , Kate Granger , Katherine Crowe, wojcech jaruzelski ,Sally Farmiloe , Clive James , Billy Graham , Tony Benn , Zsa Zsa Gabor , Vera lynn , Kirk Douglas , Saif Gaddafi , Superstar Billy Graham ,Stuart Hall , Fats Domino ,Isabel Peron.

Hartlepool Deadlypool 2014

Billy Graham
Wojcech Jaruzelski
Wilko Johnson
Sam Simon
Joost Van Der Westhuizen
Valerie Harper
Kate Granger

Sally Farmiloe
Katherine Crowe
Clive James

subs 1) George H.W Bush 2) Rolf Harris

#1318 Magere Hein

    Film land, Homer!

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 05:22 PM

View Postthe_engineer, on 04 April 2012 - 01:04 PM, said:

A guy i work with won a competition the prize was a trip to africa . He's out there now trying to win a trip back !!

Reminds me of a Dutch radio quiz in which contestants could win a one-way trip to Belgium. For somebody else...

regards,
Hein
DDP 2014 team The Grey Horde:
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, Ayman al-Zawahiri, Lys Assia, Sister Wendy Beckett, Ryan Buell Posted Image,Jacques Chirac, Felix Dennis, Aretha Franklin, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Marilyn Horne, Clive James, General Wojciech Jaruzelski, Wilko Johnson, Helmut Kohl, Joseph Kony, Misao Okawa, Bernie Madoff, Robert Mugabe, Julie Newmar, Michael Schumacher

DDP 2014 theme team Minions of Xuleneb:
King Albert II, Princess Beatrix, Prince Bernhard jr, Elco Brinkman, Corry Brokken, Dick Bruna, Raymond Ceulemans, Godfried Danneels, Piet de Jong, Mark Eyskens, Queen Fabiola Of Belgium Posted Image, Jan Janssen, Grand Duke Jean I of Luxembourg, Wubbo Ockels, Fernando Ricksen, Kees Rijvers, Wim Ruska, Toots Thielemans, Martinus J. G. Veltman, Geert Wilders

#1319 Paul Bearer

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Posted 07 April 2012 - 07:43 AM

An old story about the Pope visiting South Africa saw three Whites pull a black man out of the river and killing the crocodile that was attacking him. The Pope blessed the men and said they would be rewarded in heaven. One of the men said, who's that dude? one of the others says I don't know but he hasn't a clue about bait for catching crocodiles.
This is true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

#1320 torbrexbones

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 01:21 PM

"FUCK"
Describes many emotions. No other word can be used in such varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun - "I don’t give a fuck", and an adjective - "It’s a fucking beauty", as a verb in its transitive form - "The game was fucked up by the weather” and the intransitive form - "He well and truly fucked it up".
Everyday expressions show it’s true versatility; -
Denial: I’ll be fucked if I did.
Perplexity: I know fuck all about it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Goodbye: Fuck off.
Resignation: Oh fuck it.
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you.
Panic: Lets get the fuck out of here.
Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that.
Amazement: What the fuck did you do that for?
Religious Ecstasy: Holy fuck.
Winning the Lottery: How fucking much.
Derision: He fuck’s everything up.

The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages through the years, the more notable of these being: -
"What the fuck was that"...........................Mayor of Hiroshima.
"Look at all those fucking Indians"............General Custer.
"What fucking iceberg"?..............................Captain of the Titanic.
"What a place to plant a fucking tree"..... Marc Bolan.
"That’s not a real fucking gun"...................John Lennon
"The fucking throttle’s stuck"......................Donald Campbell.
"Who’s going to fucking know"?................President Nixon.
"What fucking exclusion zone"?..................Captain of the Belgrano.
"Heads are going to fucking roll"...............Ann Boleyn.
"Who let that fucking woman drive"?........ Space Shuttle Captain.
"He’ll have some fucker’s eye out"...........King Harold.
"I thought I could smell fucking petrol"..... Nikki Lauda.
"What’s a fucking map"..............................Mark Thatcher.
"It IS my best fucking coat"......................Michael Foot.
"She’s just my fucking secretary"...............Cecil Parkinson.
"He’s just a fucking mate"..........................Jeremy Thorpe.
"Any fucker can understand that"...............Albert Einstein.
"It fucking looks just like her"....................Picasso.
“How the fuck did you work that out”..............Pythagoras
“You want fucking what on the ceiling.............Micheal Angelo
“Scattered showers my fucking arse”...............Noah
“Anybody got a fucking light”..........................Joan of Arc
DDP 2014

Eli Wallach (Joker), Olivia de Havilland, Fidel Castro, Honsi Mubarak, Peter O’Sullevan, Muhammad Ali, Fats Domino, Prince Phillip, Vera Lynn, Robert Mugabe, Kirk Douglas, Zsa Zsa Gabor, General Jaruzelski, Dennis Healey, June Brown, Patrick Macnee, Jerry Maren, Ruth Duccini, Joost Van Der Westhuisen, George Cole.

DDP 2013 4/20




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