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A JokeTasteless Merriment. Running River of, DLers, for the amusement of, 1.


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#1301 maryportfuncity

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Posted 14 January 2012 - 06:38 PM

A bunch of bus drivers had a wanking contest.

Nothing happened for about 15 minutes...

...then 3 of them came together.
Posted Image


Maryport is a disappointment for which there is no cure, but the annual Deathrace thread hereabouts provides welcome distraction.

#1302 Windsor

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 01:51 PM

Not the best 'Downfall' video out there, but I like it:


Shadow List 2015.

Sam Simon, Robert Mugabe, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Rob Ford, Bob Dole, Muhammed Ali, Qaboos bin Sa'id, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ian Brady, Peter Sutcliffe, Clive James, Caroline Aherne, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Greville Janner, Rev Billy Graham, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Desmond Tutu, Jean Alexander, Leon Brittan, Prince Philip, Sir Roger Bannister, Sir Albert McQuarrie, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Sir Christopher Lee, Stephen Hawking, Harlan Ellison, Jim Bowen, Fidel Castro, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Denis Healey, Valerie Harper, Ken Dodd, Sir Nicholas Winton, Jalal Talabani, Vera Lynn, Murray Walker, Lord Snowdon, Flora Fraser, Tariq Aziz, Bill Cosby, Liz Smith, Liz Dawn, Daisy Berkowitz.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 2/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.


#1303 Windsor

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Posted 18 January 2012 - 01:28 PM

April 14th 1912:
MAN: "Women and children first please."

25 years ago:
WOMAN: "Women want sex equality"
...
15 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women to fight sexism"

5 years ago:
WOMAN:"Women winning on sex equality"

3 days ago:
WOMAN: "It was unbelievable, men were trying to get into the lifeboats before women" x
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Shadow List 2015.

Sam Simon, Robert Mugabe, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Rob Ford, Bob Dole, Muhammed Ali, Qaboos bin Sa'id, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ian Brady, Peter Sutcliffe, Clive James, Caroline Aherne, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Greville Janner, Rev Billy Graham, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Desmond Tutu, Jean Alexander, Leon Brittan, Prince Philip, Sir Roger Bannister, Sir Albert McQuarrie, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Sir Christopher Lee, Stephen Hawking, Harlan Ellison, Jim Bowen, Fidel Castro, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Denis Healey, Valerie Harper, Ken Dodd, Sir Nicholas Winton, Jalal Talabani, Vera Lynn, Murray Walker, Lord Snowdon, Flora Fraser, Tariq Aziz, Bill Cosby, Liz Smith, Liz Dawn, Daisy Berkowitz.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 2/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.


#1304 thefunkyfaz

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 10:27 PM

I bought a ticket in a lottery to win a Mediterranean cruise. Last week was a rollover...
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The Funky Faz's Morgue of Merriment (2014 Joint 31st-46pts) DDP2015 Sam Simon joker.gif, Alwen Hughes, Rev Billy Graham, Clive James, Denis Healey, Denis Norden, Elizabeth Dawn, Henry Kissinger, Jimmy Hill, Kenneth Cope, Liz Smith, Paul Gascoigne, Peter Sallis, Peter Sutcliffe, Richard Davies, Shimon Peres, Timothy Dudley-Smith, Val Doonican, Zara Nutley, Zsa Zsa Gabor
The Funky Faz's Crypt of Chortles (2014 Joint 248th-17pts) DDP2015 Richard Bakerjoker.gif, Ayatollah Ali Khameini, Bill Maynard, Brian Cant, Burt Kwouk, Dick Van Dyke, George H W Bush, Jimmy Carter, Joni Mitchell, Kirk Douglas, Leonard Nimoy, Leslie Phillips, Nancy Reagan, Patrick Macnee, Redvers Kyle, Robert Mugabe, Shaw Taylor, Stanley Baxter, Tony Britton, Warren Mitchell.

The Funky Faz's Wormfood Bingo 2015 Bill Maynard, Rev Billy Graham, Clive James, Denis Healey, Denis Norden, Patrick Macnee, Paul Gascoigne, Peter Sallis, Peter Sutcliffe, Richard Baker, Val Doonican, Warren Mitchell

"You've all done very well!"


#1305 Windsor

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 01:44 PM

Welcome to Fraserburgh:

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Shadow List 2015.

Sam Simon, Robert Mugabe, Bhumibol Abdulyadej, Rob Ford, Bob Dole, Muhammed Ali, Qaboos bin Sa'id, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Ian Brady, Peter Sutcliffe, Clive James, Caroline Aherne, Abdelaziz Bouteflika, George H. W. Bush, Nancy Reagan, Greville Janner, Rev Billy Graham, Henry Sandon, Sheila Sim, Desmond Tutu, Jean Alexander, Leon Brittan, Prince Philip, Sir Roger Bannister, Sir Albert McQuarrie, Mary Wilson, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Sir Christopher Lee, Stephen Hawking, Harlan Ellison, Jim Bowen, Fidel Castro, Grand Duke Jean, Kirk Douglas, Denis Healey, Valerie Harper, Ken Dodd, Sir Nicholas Winton, Jalal Talabani, Vera Lynn, Murray Walker, Lord Snowdon, Flora Fraser, Tariq Aziz, Bill Cosby, Liz Smith, Liz Dawn, Daisy Berkowitz.

2009: 13/50, 2010: 10/50, 2011: 9/50, 2012: 15/50, 2013:16/50, 2014: 10/50, 2015: 2/50 Winner of the 2010 Dustpool.


#1306 Magere Hein

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Posted 01 February 2012 - 12:28 AM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies", he responded. "Oh. Killing any?", she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell the sex of a fly?" He responded: "Well, three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

regards,
Hein
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DDP 2015 team The Grey Horde: 4/20 (25 points, =30)
DDP 2015 theme team Minions of Xuleneb : 2/20 (0 points)

_______________________________________________
See that in the sky? It's the Moon, we used to go there.


#1307 maryportfuncity

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Posted 01 February 2012 - 12:21 PM

An old bloke walks into a sperm bank and demands to make a donation; looking at his ID it's obvious he's 85 years old. The receptionist asks if he can manage to get anything out. "Don't you worry," he says, "My wife's 40 years younger and I satisfy her every night, she's away at the moment so I didn't want to waste a drop, I'll donate."

He's duly despatched with his porno and his jar to a cubicle. Ten minutes later the grunting noises from his cubicle are worrying everyone. The receptionist goes over to knock on the door. "Are you alright in there?" she asks.

"I will be," he says, "when I can get the lid off this f***in' jar!"
Posted Image


Maryport is a disappointment for which there is no cure, but the annual Deathrace thread hereabouts provides welcome distraction.

#1308 sympathyforthedevil

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Posted 01 February 2012 - 09:08 PM

An old bloke walks into a sperm bank and demands to make a donation; looking at his ID it's obvious he's 85 years old. The receptionist asks if he can manage to get anything out. "Don't you worry," he says, "My wife's 40 years younger and I satisfy her every night, she's away at the moment so I didn't want to waste a drop, I'll donate."

He's duly despatched with his porno and his jar to a cubicle. Ten minutes later the grunting noises from his cubicle are worrying everyone. The receptionist goes over to knock on the door. "Are you alright in there?" she asks.

"I will be," he says, "when I can get the lid off this f***in' jar!"


Heard it before.

#1309 themaninblack

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 05:59 PM

What's six inches long and won't get sucked on St. Valentines day?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe...
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"I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille."

Gene Wilder as "the Waco Kid", Blazing Saddles (1974)

#1310 Falkekopf

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Posted 14 February 2012 - 11:25 PM

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
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DDP 2015 Team - Dance On Your Grave

Sam Simon - Wilko Johnson - Valerie Harper - Prince Phillip - Baron Bramall - Geoffrey Bayldon - Olivia De Havilland - Lord Peter Carrington - Liz Dawn - Rev Billy Graham - George Blake - Peter Sallis - Nik Turner - Cliff Michelmore - Daevid Allen - Peter Sutcliffe - Zsa Zsa Gabor - Denis Nordon - George Alagiah - Clive James


#1311 Josco

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Posted 22 February 2012 - 03:47 PM

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you Sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes Sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

“Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”
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"If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear...." Jacqui Smith - Ex-Home Secretary (and many other misguided fools)
"I fear having to prove I have nothing to hide." Josco

"Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves".
William Pitt, 1783


Shaw's Principle: "Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it."

#1312 Guest_Maryportfuncity_*

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Posted 26 March 2012 - 12:33 PM

A policeman pulled a man over and as he approached the car window he drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!"

The man said, "What little girl?!"

The officer aimed his gun and yelled again, "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!"
...
The man now in tears, cried, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!"

The officer smiled and said, "...There's the little girl."

#1313 maryportfuncity

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 11:24 AM

Apologies to anyone who finds this offensive (the basic joke is that there was an alternative blacks-only space program in the sixites) but this cracked me up!



Posted Image


Maryport is a disappointment for which there is no cure, but the annual Deathrace thread hereabouts provides welcome distraction.

#1314 Damon Killian

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 11:38 AM

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.
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We Are The 45%

#1315 maryportfuncity

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Posted 29 March 2012 - 11:55 PM

Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital.

"It's great, he can almost string a sentence together," said Fabrice.
Posted Image


Maryport is a disappointment for which there is no cure, but the annual Deathrace thread hereabouts provides welcome distraction.

#1316 Paul Bearer

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Posted 30 March 2012 - 06:24 PM

My girlfriend left me because she was sick of me making vagina jokes. I think she was ovary acting.
This is true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

#1317 the_engineer

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 01:04 PM

A guy i work with won a competition the prize was a trip to africa . He's out there now trying to win a trip back !!

I don't believe in coincidences

Basketball was invented in 1987 by konami.

A Man who never eats pork buns is never a whole man .

genesis 22 16 - 18

DDP 2015 - Sovereign-Reaper

Sam Simonjoker.gif, Joost van der westhuizen , Kate granger, Clive James ,Rev Billy Graham , Bobby 'the brain ' Heenan , Michael schumacher, Helen Fawkes, Fidel Castro , Dave Benton , Mario Jorge Lobo Zagallo , Tom Attwater, Jiang Zemin , Caroline Aherne, Paul Gascoigne, Joanne woodward,Peter Sallis,Sidney cooke,Martin Crowe, Ellen albertini dow.

DDP 2015 THEME TEAM - Couldn't even make 50 what lightweights !!

Kate Granger joker.gif, Joost van der westhuizen , Helen Fawkes, Paul gascoigne, Tammy Lynn stych, Ian Watkins, Michael Schumacher, Edward Davenport, Matt 'Rosey' Anoa'i, Jamie lynn spears, Amanda Knox, Divya Palat, Kris Taylor, Frankie Muniz, Amanda Bynes, The great Khali, Jennifer Arnold, Rob ford, Deryck whibley,Kim jong Un.


Hartlepool Deadlypool 2015

1) sam simon
2) billy graham - evangelist
3) Bobby the brain Heenan
4) dr kate granger
5) misao okawa
6) Joost van der westhuizen
7) caroline aherne
8) martin crowe
9) bhumibol adulyadej
10) helen fawkes


#1318 Magere Hein

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 05:22 PM

A guy i work with won a competition the prize was a trip to africa . He's out there now trying to win a trip back !!


Reminds me of a Dutch radio quiz in which contestants could win a one-way trip to Belgium. For somebody else...

regards,
Hein

DDP 2015 team The Grey Horde: 4/20 (25 points, =30)
DDP 2015 theme team Minions of Xuleneb : 2/20 (0 points)

_______________________________________________
See that in the sky? It's the Moon, we used to go there.


#1319 Paul Bearer

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Posted 07 April 2012 - 07:43 AM

An old story about the Pope visiting South Africa saw three Whites pull a black man out of the river and killing the crocodile that was attacking him. The Pope blessed the men and said they would be rewarded in heaven. One of the men said, who's that dude? one of the others says I don't know but he hasn't a clue about bait for catching crocodiles.
This is true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.

#1320 torbrexbones

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Posted 10 April 2012 - 01:21 PM

"FUCK"
Describes many emotions. No other word can be used in such varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun - "I don’t give a fuck", and an adjective - "It’s a fucking beauty", as a verb in its transitive form - "The game was fucked up by the weather” and the intransitive form - "He well and truly fucked it up".
Everyday expressions show it’s true versatility; -
Denial: I’ll be fucked if I did.
Perplexity: I know fuck all about it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Greeting: How the fuck are you?
Goodbye: Fuck off.
Resignation: Oh fuck it.
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you.
Panic: Lets get the fuck out of here.
Disbelief: How the fuck did you do that.
Amazement: What the fuck did you do that for?
Religious Ecstasy: Holy fuck.
Winning the Lottery: How fucking much.
Derision: He fuck’s everything up.

The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages through the years, the more notable of these being: -
"What the fuck was that"...........................Mayor of Hiroshima.
"Look at all those fucking Indians"............General Custer.
"What fucking iceberg"?..............................Captain of the Titanic.
"What a place to plant a fucking tree"..... Marc Bolan.
"That’s not a real fucking gun"...................John Lennon
"The fucking throttle’s stuck"......................Donald Campbell.
"Who’s going to fucking know"?................President Nixon.
"What fucking exclusion zone"?..................Captain of the Belgrano.
"Heads are going to fucking roll"...............Ann Boleyn.
"Who let that fucking woman drive"?........ Space Shuttle Captain.
"He’ll have some fucker’s eye out"...........King Harold.
"I thought I could smell fucking petrol"..... Nikki Lauda.
"What’s a fucking map"..............................Mark Thatcher.
"It IS my best fucking coat"......................Michael Foot.
"She’s just my fucking secretary"...............Cecil Parkinson.
"He’s just a fucking mate"..........................Jeremy Thorpe.
"Any fucker can understand that"...............Albert Einstein.
"It fucking looks just like her"....................Picasso.
“How the fuck did you work that out”..............Pythagoras
“You want fucking what on the ceiling.............Micheal Angelo
“Scattered showers my fucking arse”...............Noah
“Anybody got a fucking light”..........................Joan of Arc

Death grips await.
Kirk Douglas, George Cole, Olivia de Havilland, Fidel Castro, Peter O’Sullevan, Muhammad Ali, Fats Domino, Vera Lynn, Robert Mugabe, Mary Tyler Moore, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Denis Healey, June Brown, Patrick Macnee, Jerry Maren, Joost Van Der Westhuizen, Peter Sallis, Margueritte Patton, Jimmy Young, Bhumibol Adulyadej(joker)

The Worm Your Honour.
Sam Simon(joker), Joost Van Der Westhuizen, Bhumibol Adulyadej, Mary Tyler Moore, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Olivia de Havilland, Fidel Castro, Rev Billy Graham, George Bush (senior), Rob Ford, Leonard Nimoy, Denis Norden, Chuck Berry, David Attenborough, Clint Eastwood, Gene Wilder, Mel Brooks, Douglas Slocombe, Muhammad Ali, Roger Bannister

DDP 2014 3/20
DDP 2013 4/20




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