A Joke

[Paul Bearer 5,639]

 

 

A little girl, about 4 years old, is out playing in her garden, and is fascinated by the house that's being built in the plot next door. The builders see her watching them, and she's so cute they ask if she'd like to help them. Eagerly she grabs her little toy wheelbarrow and squeezes through a gap in the fence.

The builders are really fond of her, and make her feel really important, pushing a couple of bricks around in her little wheelbarrow, helping to sort nails and screws, that sort of thing. At tea break, they invite her into the port-a-cabin and share their sandwiches with her. This goes on all week, and she's really enjoying being a builder.

On Friday they get their pay packets, and they each fish out a bit of small change, put it into a brown envelope, and give her "wages" to her.

Proudly, she shows her mum. "Look mummy, I've been working all week and I've earned some wages !"

"That's lovely", says her mum, "Will you be working again next week ?"

"Yes", says the little girl. "Well, as long as those useless cunts at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their arses and deliver the fucking bricks on time".

They would hardly dare speak to the little girl these days. Sad.

why?

It doesn't take a fucking genius to work that out.

[The Mad Hatter 1,091]

 

 

 

A little girl, about 4 years old, is out playing in her garden, and is fascinated by the house that's being built in the plot next door. The builders see her watching them, and she's so cute they ask if she'd like to help them. Eagerly she grabs her little toy wheelbarrow and squeezes through a gap in the fence.

The builders are really fond of her, and make her feel really important, pushing a couple of bricks around in her little wheelbarrow, helping to sort nails and screws, that sort of thing. At tea break, they invite her into the port-a-cabin and share their sandwiches with her. This goes on all week, and she's really enjoying being a builder.

On Friday they get their pay packets, and they each fish out a bit of small change, put it into a brown envelope, and give her "wages" to her.

Proudly, she shows her mum. "Look mummy, I've been working all week and I've earned some wages !"

"That's lovely", says her mum, "Will you be working again next week ?"

"Yes", says the little girl. "Well, as long as those useless cunts at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their arses and deliver the fucking bricks on time".

They would hardly dare speak to the little girl these days. Sad.

why?

It doesn't take a fucking genius to work that out.

it doesn't take a genius to work out your mama.

[Toast 14,803]

 

 

A little girl, about 4 years old, is out playing in her garden, and is fascinated by the house that's being built in the plot next door. The builders see her watching them, and she's so cute they ask if she'd like to help them. Eagerly she grabs her little toy wheelbarrow and squeezes through a gap in the fence.

 

The builders are really fond of her, and make her feel really important, pushing a couple of bricks around in her little wheelbarrow, helping to sort nails and screws, that sort of thing. At tea break, they invite her into the port-a-cabin and share their sandwiches with her. This goes on all week, and she's really enjoying being a builder.

 

On Friday they get their pay packets, and they each fish out a bit of small change, put it into a brown envelope, and give her "wages" to her.

 

Proudly, she shows her mum. "Look mummy, I've been working all week and I've earned some wages !"

"That's lovely", says her mum, "Will you be working again next week ?"

 

"Yes", says the little girl. "Well, as long as those useless cunts at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their arses and deliver the fucking bricks on time".

 

They would hardly dare speak to the little girl these days. Sad.

 

 

Well that killed that one!!

 

 

I wasn't meaning to suggest the joke was an old one, but ...

[The Happy Reaper 219]

Little Johnny and his granddad were sitting in the garden when Johnny spotted a worm on the ground. He picked it up and said, "Granddad, if I can push this worm back into the earth, will you give me a fiver?"

 

"All right," says Granddad. Johnny rushes into the house and comes back with a can of his mother's hairspray. He sprays several thick coats all over the worm until it's rigid then pushes it into the earth like a nail.

 

Granddad is impressed and gives Johnny the fiver, then goes into the house. Twenty minutes later he comes back out and gives Johnny another fiver.

 

"But Granddad," says Johnny. "You already gave me the fiver!"

 

"I know," says Granddad. "That one's from your grandmother!"

[Dr. Zorders 1,269]

Why did Beethoven decide to have a wank?

 

Fer release!

[Phantom 2,466]

Someone keeps calling me and singing 'stand and deliver' down the phone. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number...

...but he's adamant.

[The Happy Reaper 219]

Two women heard about a new matrimonial agency which had opened in town, and decided to pay it a visit. They found it was housed in an impressive-looking multi-storey building, so they went inside and paid their joining fees at the reception desk. The receptionist explained the rules to them: they could take the lift up to any of the floors, and they could get off on any floor, but they were not allowed to return to any lower floor once they had left it. This seemed simple enough, so the women took the lift up to the first floor.

 

The doors opened on what looked like a standard office corridor: walls painted a dull cream colour and green carpet tiles on the floor. Opposite the lift was a door behind which they could hear the murmur of voices and laughter. The door had a sign which read: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT.

 

The women considered this for a moment but concluded that the sign did not give any indication of what the men looked like, and not wanting to get involved with a room full of nerds with thick glasses, they pressed the button for the second floor.

 

This time the lift doors opened on a corridor with some fairly standard wallpaper, though a little faded-looking and proper carpeting. The sign on the door opposite read: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT AND GOOD LOOKING.

 

This was more tempting but one of the women had heard about body-builders with huge muscles but tiny cocks so they decided not to bother with this one either. They pressed the button for the third floor.

 

The decor on this floor was more impressive: a carpet with a lovely pattern and nicer wallpaper. Opposite the lift was the now-familiar door, and the sign on this one read: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, GOOD-LOOKING AND WELL-ENDOWED.

 

Well, this sounded quite promising but the women noticed that the sign gave nothing away about the men's personalities. There was no point in getting into a relationship with a man resembling a Greek god if he was abusive. So they pressed the button for the fourth floor.

 

Here the doors opened on a corridor with a thick shagpile carpet and flock wallpaper like you might find in an expensive restaurant. The door opposite had a sign reading: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, GOOD-LOOKING, WELL-ENDOWED AND KIND & GENTLE.

 

Well, this was clearly the best yet, but the women noticed that the sign did not indicate if the men had any money. As neither of them wanted to be the family breadwinner they decided to move on to the fifth floor.

 

The carpet here was so thick that you could lose your wristwatch if you dropped it, and what looked like genuine original artwork on the walls. The sign on the door read: THE MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, GOOD-LOOKING, WELL-ENDOWED, KIND & GENTLE AND INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY.

 

Well, this was the best yet! But the women had worked out that the higher up they went, the more desirable the men seemed to be. And they hadn't got to the top yet - there was one more floor to go! Unable to imagine what might be waiting for them, they pressed the button for the top floor.

 

The lift doors opened on a dingy corridor with a bare cement floor. There was no door opposite; only a sign which read: THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR. HOWEVER YOU HAVE PROVED THAT NO MATTER HOW APPEALING THE SITUATION, WOMEN ARE NEVER SATISFIED. PLEASE USE THE FIRE-ESCAPE TO EXIT THE BUILDING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CUSTOM.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, returns home after a hard day ringing the cathedral bells and finds his Wife standing in the kitchen with a wok.

"Fantastic", he says. "Is it Chinese tonight, Esmerelda?"

"Oh no", she replies. "I'm just ironing your shirt"

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

A man was on holiday in Norfolk when he found he needed a new gas canister for his caravan, so he approached a local in the street and asked, "Excuse me but do you know if there's a B&Q in Norwich?"

"No", replied the Bumpkin, "but there are two E's in Leeds"

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

Man phones into work sick 'Can't come in today, feeling ill'

His Boss says 'Tell you what, whenever I'm feeling sick I find giving my missus one normally does the trick, try that and let me know how you feel'

2 hours later the guy calls his Boss back 'Hi' he says 'I'll be back in tomorrow, feeling much better - by the way, you've got a nice house'

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

This year Stevie Wonder was given a cheese grater as a Christmas present.

He said it was the most violent book he has ever read.

 

 

Paddy and Murphy are walking through the jungle by a riverbank when they spy a crocodile with a mans head protruding from its mouth.

Paddy turns to Murphy and says, "Would you look at that guy in his Lacoste sleeping bad"

[Paul Bearer 5,639]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

 

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a

trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time."

said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew

from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and

chain.

 

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the

watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family

for six generations" said Claude.

 

 

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

 

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

 

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently

swaying watch. They were hypnotized.

 

 

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst

apart on impact"

 

"SHIT" said Claude.

 

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Centre and

Claude was never invited there again.

[YoungWillz 18,967]

Estate agent was showing me a property today. He opened the front door, and all I could see was a lobby which stretched away into the distance.

 

It was then I realised I was in for the long hall.

[The Happy Reaper 219]

I told my boss I couldn't work as I had Repetitive Strain Injury, and he said there was no such thing.

 

Until I reminded him that Princess Diana died from car-pole-tunnel syndrome.

 

 

 

 

 

Went on holiday last week and found that there was a big chess tournament taking place in the hotel. When I arrived I couldn't get near the reception desk for all the competitors standing in the hall talking about games they had won in the past.

 

I hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[torbrexbones 717]

[torbrexbones 717]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
.
.
.
.
."He's decomposing!"

[En Passant 2,932]

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

In Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife... the husband contacted the newspaper to place an obituary notice.

 

The couple had been happily married for 50 years. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, "How Much?"

 

He reluctantly produced his wallet. "I want summat" simple he explained,

 

"My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt 'ave wanted owt swanky'.

 

"Perhaps a small poem," suggested the woman at the desk.

 

"Nay," he said, "she wunt 'ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put Gladys Braithwaite's died".

 

"You need to say when," he was told by the receptionist.

 

"Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That'll do."

 

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed."

 

The man considered for a moment. "Well, put in, Sadly missed. That'll do," he said.

 

"You can have another four words," the woman explained.​

 

​"No, no!" he cried, "She wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out."

 

"The words are included in the price," the woman informed him.

 

"Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em"

 

"Yes, indeed."

 

"Well, if I've paid for 'em" exclaimed the man, "I'm 'avin 'em."

 

The obituary was duly printed:

 

GLADYS BRAITHWAITE.

DIED 17TH MARCH 2015.

SADLY MISSED.

ALSO TRACTOR FOR SALE.

 

This is the version I have heard of the same joke

 

[Lord Fellatio Nelson 6,132]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

 

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a

trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time."

said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew

from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and

chain.

 

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the

watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family

for six generations" said Claude.

 

 

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

 

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

 

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently

swaying watch. They were hypnotized.

 

 

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst

apart on impact"

 

"SHIT" said Claude.

 

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Centre and

Claude was never invited there again.

Im stealing this

[Grim Up North 3,565]

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for
listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

 

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda,
but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

 

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly
from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that
I think were at the party if this helps.

 

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard
where I had sex with a man I met that night.
I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father,
can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto
in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

 

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian.
I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's
conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

 

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you
and right by the country.. Please advise.

 

7. I do not know who the father of my child was
as they all look the same to me.

 

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have a clue..

 

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World.
Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

 

10. So much about that night is a blur.
The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith
did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure
which one made you fart. (This made number #1).

[torbrexbones 717]

I have number 11 on a cassette tape as a joke told by Chubby Brown about 20 years ago.

[Grim Up North 3,565]

Yeah that doesn't surprise me - I did wonder about the authenticity of the 'genuine excerpts' assertion.

 

Still some of them are funny all the same.

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpoCGIHqbEw