A Joke

[YoungWillz 18,910]

A man walks into a bar and then falls through the bars glass door.

 

That must have been pane-ful.

[Toast 14,783]

 

A man walks into a bar and then falls through the bars glass door.

 

That must have been pane-ful.

 

 

It was a shattering experience.

[Bibliogryphon 8,596]

When Mary Berry died I hope she opts for burial rather than cremation because otherwise there would be too much temptation to open the door to see if she has risen.

[maryportfuncity 9,981]

Overheard at work today:

 

"Paralympics start next week - that'll leave Greggs short of staff!"

[The Happy Reaper 219]

A Polish guy goes to have his eyes tested. The optician says, "Can you read the bottom line of the chart?"

 

The guy says, "Read it? I've shagged his sister!"

[maryportfuncity 9,981]

A Polish guy goes to have his eyes tested. The optician says, "Can you read the bottom line of the chart?"

 

The guy says, "Read it? I've shagged his sister!"

 

 

What's long and hard and given to a Polish woman on her wedding day?

 

A new surname!

[themaninblack 2,112]

I came across a Polish surname the other day that did not have a single vowel and it was about ten letters long!

[Paul Bearer 5,611]

I came across a Polish surname the other day that did not have a single vowel and it was about ten letters long!

There is a village about 10 miles from me with the same.

[maryportfuncity 9,981]

A viewers guide to the paralympics

 

It's just like the other Olympics but the athletes start every day with assembly.

[Deathray 2,933]

Why did the packing factory vacuum machine attendant get sacked?

 

He sucked at work too much.

[maryportfuncity 9,981]

A coach load of competitors at the paralympics crashed on their way to the athletes village today

 

Rio police say they should be able to remove the coach from the wreckage within the next six hours

[Deathray 2,933]

The cripple down the road bought some new wheels, so naturally I took them for a joyride.

 

The police weren't too impressed when I parked the chair in the wheelchair spaces and went and did my shopping, neither was he come to think of it.

[The Mad Hatter 1,091]

The twin towers and gender have alot in common

There used to be two and now its offense to talk about them.

[Grim Up North 3,565]

Talking of the twin towers

 

There's no such thing as bad publicity!

[maryportfuncity 9,981]

Talking of the twin towers

 

There's no such thing as bad publicity!

 

 

Oh that is so tasteless it's inspired - though obviously not to the extent that it saved their jobs.

 

Speaking of ill advised jokes on the subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_MxiBqp5d4

[Joey Russ 7,118]

 

Talking of the twin towers

 

There's no such thing as bad publicity!

 

 

Oh that is so tasteless it's inspired - though obviously not to the extent that it saved their jobs.

 

Speaking of ill advised jokes on the subject: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_MxiBqp5d4

Are they finally allowing YouTube videos again

[Predictor 1,007]

Some Dr. Zorders jokes...

 

Q: Why should Dr. Zorders be allowed to return to DeathList?

A: Because everybody deserves a 65358th chance.

 

Q: Why did Dr. Zorders decide to move to Greenland?

A: Because the real estate market is really cheap, because there is only one M uslim living there and because when he gets angry and tells someone to kill themself, there's a huge chance they'll actually listen to his advice.

 

Q: Why does Dr. Zorders never buy measuring sticks made in Havana?

A: Because he hates Cuban rulers.

 

 

 

Dr. Zorders, if you happen to read this, remember that it's just for fun.

 

[RadGuy 1,605]

Nurse: Sir, you were in a coma since August 2001.

 

Patient: Boy, I can't wait to see my favorite towers again!

[drol 10,022]

A passenger on a plane is headed to a tropical island. At one point he asks the steward if there are cannibals on the island.

The steward answers: <<No, don't worry, we ate them all!>>.

[maryportfuncity 9,981]

What's Whitney Houston's favourite co-ordination?

 

 

Haaannd-eyeeee

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

Paddy wins a competition,& 1st prize is a guided tour of Edinburgh. A leggy blonde in a short skirt,driving a Bentley convertable,picks him up. "Where would you like to see first,Sir?" she asks. "Oid loike to see Edinburgh Castle" say Paddy,in a broad Dublin accent.On arrival at the castle Paddy is impressed. "It's awsome!" he says. "Where to next? asks the blonde. "Oid loike to see where Hearts & Hibs play" says Paddy,so she takes him to Tynecastle & Easter Road. "Fantastic!" says Paddy. "Ok,Sir.Where to now?" she asks. "Take me to Murryfield!" says Paddy. On arrival,Paddy says " Oh,luvly! This is the home of Scottish rugby,n' oi've only ever seen it on telly". "Next,Sir?" asks the blonde. "Show me your Hairy Twatt!" replies Paddy. "Excuse me,Sir?" says the blonde. "Show me Hairy Twatt!". So the blonde pulls up her skirt,drops the kegs,& asks "What d'ya think of that!?". "No,no,no!" exclaims Paddy. "Heriot Watt University! Heriot Watt University!".

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

A guy 'comes round' in bed,in hospital,& he's wearin' an oxygen mask. He looks around & sees the duty nurse. "Nurse! Nurse!" he calls,in a muffled voice. The nurse comes over & says " Yes Sir,what's the matter?" Still wearin' the oxygen mask,he asks "Are my testicles black?",voice still muffled."What was that,Sir?" she asks." Are my testicles black?" the guy repeats. The nurse folds over the bed sheet,& opens his pyjama trousers. Taking the guy's d*ck in one hand,& checking his baws with a gentle massage with the other,she replies "No Sir,they look fine to me". The guy pulls off the oxygen mask & says "That was lovely darlin',but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

[RIP Wee Jum 1,558]

My wife said to me on Friday night, "what are your plans for tomorrow then"
I replied "down to the pub for a couple of beers and then on to watch the football with the boys"

She says " there's a circus in town, if you were half a man you would take me to that"

I replied " if I was half a man, I'd be in the feckin circus"

[maryportfuncity 9,981]

A few corkers from the Horizon show on laughter this week

 

 

A policeman knocks on a man's door and says; "I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has had a nasty accident."

 

The man says; "I know, but she's got a great personality."

 

 

A doctor pulls a thermometer from his pocket and says; "It look's like some aresole's got my pen!"

 

 

I met an African girl on Tinder and managed to talk to her in her own language. We just clicked.

[The Happy Reaper 219]

Paddy wins a competition,& 1st prize is a guided tour of Edinburgh. A leggy blonde in a short skirt,driving a Bentley convertable,picks him up. "Where would you like to see first,Sir?" she asks. "Oid loike to see Edinburgh Castle" say Paddy,in a broad Dublin accent.On arrival at the castle Paddy is impressed. "It's awsome!" he says. "Where to next? asks the blonde. "Oid loike to see where Hearts & Hibs play" says Paddy,so she takes him to Tynecastle & Easter Road. "Fantastic!" says Paddy. "Ok,Sir.Where to now?" she asks. "Take me to Murryfield!" says Paddy. On arrival,Paddy says " Oh,luvly! This is the home of Scottish rugby,n' oi've only ever seen it on telly". "Next,Sir?" asks the blonde. "Show me your Hairy Twatt!" replies Paddy. "Excuse me,Sir?" says the blonde. "Show me Hairy Twatt!". So the blonde pulls up her skirt,drops the kegs,& asks "What d'ya think of that!?". "No,no,no!" exclaims Paddy. "Heriot Watt University! Heriot Watt University!".

As a proud resident of Edinburgh, I love this!

 

*

 

A man takes his wife out to the pub and puts a glass of whisky in front of her. She protests, saying she'd rather have a sweet sherry, but he insists she tries it. So she takes a sip and screws up her face in disgust, and says, "That's awful!"

 

"Exactly," says the man. "And you think I'm in here every night enjoying myself!"