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Mrs MPFC was tut-tutting over my shoulder as I chortled my way through this thread. But, as I explained to her, dark humour isn't everyone's cup of freshly liquidised aborted foetus.

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Jokes from around the world.

 

Some are familiar, some don't translate well, some raise a smile, but worth a look if you've a spare 10 minutes.

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Two coprphiliacs met on a blind date.

 

It was love at first shite!

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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

 

Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his Burger and fries at the drive through.

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American supermarkets are incredible places, I went into the Tucson Safeway, & was totally blown away

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Did you know that Sean Connery's 80 Roger Moore's 83 Pierce Brosnan's 57 Daniel Craig's 42....oh yeah! To explain, I'm really into Bond Age

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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

 

Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his Burger and fries at the drive through.

 

This joke doesn't really work though, because working at a McDonalds/Burger King isn't really "getting somewhere" in life.

 

Please do bette next time.

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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

 

Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his Burger and fries at the drive through.

 

This joke doesn't really work though, because working at a McDonalds/Burger King isn't really "getting somewhere" in life.

 

Please do bette next time.

I've been looking at this rider for the irony or maybe double irony, knowing wit or something, anything that can prevent me from saying: "Lord spare us and save us." If I'm missing something I can take it on the chin. But if this really is the dumb arse comment I think it is, all I can say is please don't apply for a job at McDonalds. They have standards.

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Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

 

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off

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Jamie Carragher has been arrested at Stamford Bridge, for questioning. He told police he didnt realise he had 50 million quid in his pocket!!

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A chap in the street caught a taxi going by. The cabbie said: "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

 

Passenger: "He must have had some faults, surely."

 

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man. He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian.

 

Passenger: "Amazing. How do you know him?"

 

Cabbie: "I never met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

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A chap in the street caught a taxi going by. The cabbie said: "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

 

Passenger: "He must have had some faults, surely."

 

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man. He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian.

 

Passenger: "Amazing. How do you know him?"

 

Cabbie: "I never met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

 

don't get it. (Godot, who already thinks I have no sense of humour, is gonna have a field day here..) :):D

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Best pick up line ever; "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

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Without a dictionary around I struggle to spell Tsunami, will this do instead?

 

>_< ... O_O

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Myself and The Voice of Young Maryport are currently taking much pleasure in the mirthful comments directed at Paul Ross merchandise on Amazon.

 

 

Enjoy!

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Myself and The Voice of Young Maryport are currently taking much pleasure in the mirthful comments directed at Paul Ross merchandise on Amazon.

 

 

Enjoy!

 

Some classics there it has to be said. :lol:

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Ironic, mind...fish eating raw Japanese.

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Best April Fool by the media I have read today, Windsor avert your eyes :o

 

That is nothing compared to what I saw on television yesterday.

I was watching the Fern show on Channel 4 (don't judge me) when all of a sudden there was a mock picture of the Queen sitting on the loo. Scandalous!

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Best April Fool by the media I have read today, Windsor avert your eyes :o

 

That is nothing compared to what I saw on television yesterday.

I was watching the Fern show on Channel 4 (don't judge me) when all of a sudden there was a mock picture of the Queen sitting on the loo. Scandalous!

With a title of "Royal Flush" no doubt.

Boom tsch.

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Top Sickipedia crack this weekend was the one about the streets of Bradford being so quiet during the Cricket World Cup Final that they filmed an episode of Midsomer Murders there.

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Simon Cowell was arrested in France today for wearing a veil.

 

Apparently he has now been released without charge after the French police quickly realised their mistake.

 

He was actually wearing black jeans and a black hat.

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There are two owls on Twitter. One says: "I am going to send two tweets''. The other says "Two tweets to who?".

 

Well it tickled me but then it doesn't take much.

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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned

over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder

to get his attention.

 

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up

over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. The shaking

driver then said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out

of me."

 

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't

realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my

fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for

25 years."

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How does Stephen Hawking ejaculate?

 

CTRL + V

 

 

BBC NEWS: Cheryl Cole UK tour cancelled.

 

The man who presses play has broken his finger?

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