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maryportfuncity

Posted Yesterday, 11:39 PM

This 50 year old accountant signed on as a suicide bomber...a clear case of mid-life ISIS.

Phantom

Posted Yesterday, 05:51 PM

My son turned to me and said "lift me up"
So I bent down and whispered in his ear "you're a wonderful child with fantastic imagination".
He wasn't very happy.
If that didn't lift him up, I don't know what else will.

the_engineer

Posted Yesterday, 04:46 PM

Glasgow Police are investigating whether the crash there that killed 6 people was a terrorist attack.

The main suspect at the moment is osama bin lorry .

Paul Bearer

Posted 21 December 2014 - 02:06 PM

The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Phantom

Posted 19 December 2014 - 05:31 PM

Two men were walking through the desert. They were nearly out of water, when they heard the sounds of a bustling market. Not able to believe their good fortune, they hurried over to see if they could get some water. In the first tent they were told, "I'm sorry we only have these delicious desserts with a base of sponge fingers, fruit and jelly, topped with a layer of custard another with whipped cream and then topped with hundreds & thousands."

The men were still desperate for water, so they went to the second tent, "WATER! We need Water!" they gasped"

Again the reply came back, "I'm sorry we only have these delicious desserts with a base of sponge fingers, fruit and jelly, topped with a layer of custard another with whipped cream and then topped with hundreds & thousands."

They went acroos to the third tent and again asked for water only to be told, "I'm sorry we only have these delic...

Phantom

Posted 19 December 2014 - 05:25 PM

I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah the other day.
I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

the_engineer

Posted 19 December 2014 - 05:15 PM

View Posttorbrexbones, on 19 December 2014 - 11:25 AM, said:

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the e...

torbrexbones

Posted 19 December 2014 - 11:35 AM

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


torbrexbones

Posted 19 December 2014 - 11:25 AM

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I...

Phantom

Posted 16 December 2014 - 07:55 PM

The federal government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather. They suggest that anyone traveling in the current blizzard conditions should make sure they carry the following:
- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including hat and gloves
- 24 hours worth of food
- De-icer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- Full spare gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning

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