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maryportfuncity

Posted 29 July 2014 - 07:39 AM

And another one hard to place. Was I the only one who noticed the close call to calamity on the BBC's Commonwealth Games coverage last night? The action moved from the swimming pool back to Gabby Logan at Hampden Park, she made a comment about the finals coming "thick and fast" at which point we went out onto the track for one of the mens paralympic 100 metres categories. Granted, the particular disability was to do with levels of restricted movement, but probs not the best phrase Ms Logan could have chosen, eh?

maryportfuncity

Posted 22 July 2014 - 09:20 AM

Dunno where else to place this mirthful story, about a 90 year old Sexpert who's got some cracking one-liners in his work:

http://www.bbc.co.uk...gazine-28353027

Pistol Knight

Posted 21 July 2014 - 10:08 PM

A chap knocked my front door today and asked me if I wanted my shed re-tard......I said no and went shopping...When I came back the shed had gone!

Dr. Zorders

Posted 20 July 2014 - 08:54 PM

View PostDeathray, on 20 July 2014 - 08:26 PM, said:

I know I was nearly gonna leave the see more on sickipedia bit in but it's going downhill. Sad thing is I remember when it was the bastion of black internet humour, this is the problem with things increasing in popularity - especially of the black humour aspect - they end up screwed by the "want to appear to be sick but don't want to offend anyone" brigade thank god deathlist is so small.

Really? Dunno about any of that. To me, judging by the limited nature and scope of some of the jokes, it just seems like it's (d)evolved into basically a domestic-violence-fan-club for football-shirt-wearing saddos, thinly di...

Deathray

Posted 20 July 2014 - 08:26 PM

View PostDr. Zorders, on 20 July 2014 - 08:19 PM, said:

View PostDeathray, on 20 July 2014 - 07:29 PM, said:

My wife screamed when she found a tattered glossy magazine and used tissues under our son's bed.

I told her not to be silly,...

Dr. Zorders

Posted 20 July 2014 - 08:19 PM

View PostDeathray, on 20 July 2014 - 07:29 PM, said:

My wife screamed when she found a tattered glossy magazine and used tissues under our son's bed.

I told her not to be silly, all teenage lads are the same. I said 'let me guess, Razzle, Asian Babes, Readers Wives, that sort of thing?'.

No, she whispered, 'Prince George is One souvenir pullout'.

E...

Deathray

Posted 20 July 2014 - 07:29 PM

My wife screamed when she found a tattered glossy magazine and used tissues under our son's bed.

I told her not to be silly, all teenage lads are the same. I said 'let me guess, Razzle, Asian Babes, Readers Wives, that sort of thing?'.

No, she whispered, 'Prince George is One souvenir pullout'.

Perfect Passing

Posted 20 July 2014 - 07:15 PM

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods says "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.

Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

"Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves > to the green or farther down t...

Perfect Passing

Posted 19 July 2014 - 03:14 PM

In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nations capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father..?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die," whispered the priest.

"I' ll see what I can do Father", replied the nurse

The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick," I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."

Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

When they arrived at the priests room, the priest took Davids hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priests f...

Perfect Passing

Posted 18 July 2014 - 09:43 PM

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
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