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Phantom

Posted 15 May 2015 - 05:05 PM

Best before date: Rohipnol


Damon Killian

Posted 15 May 2015 - 11:33 AM

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


Phantom

Posted 11 May 2015 - 04:36 PM

I'm going to create some breast shaped pillows using a material that "remembers" the contours of your head as you sleep.

I'll be marketing it under the name "Mammary Foam"


YoungWillz

Posted 03 May 2015 - 02:50 PM

Chinese fortune tellers have been describing the character traits of the new Royal Princess.

 

Asked for a comment, Prince Phillip responded "Oh, the Princess doesn't believe in all that slanty eyed mumbo jumbo. And she was born yesterday!" 


charon

Posted 22 April 2015 - 04:04 PM

2015.......Africans jump on anything that floats to get them off the continent.

How times change.

300 years ago, we sent plenty of boats for them, and they weren't quite so keen..

Perfect Passing

Posted 11 April 2015 - 01:05 PM

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says...........................

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... If needs be Mum says she can come down herself and do it.

But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

torbrexbones

Posted 09 April 2015 - 08:06 PM

 

She will utter gentile and sensitive words of encouragement[...]


I'd love to learn our Caledonian hero's reaction to Jewish words. :P

 

one little typo so shoot me :shoot:  


Magere Hein

Posted 09 April 2015 - 01:23 PM

She will utter gentile and sensitive words of encouragement[...]


I'd love to learn our Caledonian hero's reaction to Jewish words. :P


torbrexbones

Posted 09 April 2015 - 12:23 PM

SEX SURVEY -- ARE SCOTTISH MEN THE SEXIEST?

This year's social survey looks at the sexual habits of the typical West of Scotland man. Our experts have recreated a typical Scotsman’s night of passion.

 

 THE PREPARATION -- Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the Traditional Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions, his mind is set on one thing, LOVE, or as he says himself 'ma nookie'. His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, entreating her with gently persuasive words of passion "Any chance ‘o’ ma hole". The good lady in question, perhaps over-excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled Onion sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply 'Awaity fuck ya bam'.

 

FOREPLAY - Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting his slightly soiled y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing with his skid-marks down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant 'Here we go, here we go, here we go. Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant 8-incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

 

 INITIAL PROBLEMS - After 12 pints sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself fully. Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will utter gentile and sensitive words of encouragement, such as 'ya useless bastard' or possibly 'It never happens to the milkman'. Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation 'how’d you like to put your teeth roon this', the woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler 'On ya go' she says 'but don't disturb me'. Unperturbed by this slight rejection the man dives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems; the man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke 'bastard, you could have told me it was your bad week'.

 

DOWN TO BUSINESS - Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase 'oh fuck I’ve shot ma load'. If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as perhaps informing her that she is probably the nicest woman that he's ever come across.

 

THE EVENT ITSELF - An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that woman like to be spoken dirtily to, say such things as 'Snotters, shite, arsehole’. The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters words of encouragement such as 'Are you sure its in? Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, ooh, ooh, yes, yes, go-on yersel.


Bibliogryphon

Posted 07 April 2015 - 11:31 AM

Why didn't the seven dwarves get any dinner?

 

Try walking through the front door singing Hi Ho and you will find out.


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